Well after months of meaningless basketball, we are now finally at the two-month long apex of the NBA known as the playoffs. That’s right kids, you can start cheering now for who (Cleveland) will win in June. The suspense.
If you’re like me, and most of you aren’t because I still pull for that donkey dung of a NBA franchise in New York, you are pulling for Cleveland to lose immediately. Thus putting into effect a series of events that land Dwayne Wade and LeBron James in the Big Apple in the beginning of July. But for the rest of you, you want my crystal ball predictions that are freaking on point. I know we’re already two games in, but here are my round one predictions for series already in progress, sue me.
(1)Cleveland Cavaliers versus (8)Chicago Bulls
Insulted that Bulls’ center Joakim Noah thinks there is nothing to do in Cleveland, LeBron James takes Noah to meet Mike Holmgren at an all-you-can-eat buffet, where Noah is then mistakenly confused for a pork chop.
Cavs in five
(2)Orlando Magic versus (7)Charlotte Bobcats
If we’ve learned anything the past few years it is that the Magic can bully almost any team in a series. And we’ve also learned that Vince Carter, like kids on the 10th grade JV team, likes to wear t-shirts underneath his jersey.
Magic in six
(3)Atlanta Hawks versus (6)Milwaukee Bucks
Michael Redd, out, Andrew Bogut, out, Brandon Jenning’s jumper (out since February. Not one good reason to FEAR THE DEER.
Hawks in four
(4) Boston Celtics versus (5) Miami Heat
Boston’s Big 3 are now starting to resemble The Three Amigos, but only after four trips to rehab and a 20-year layoff, way past their prime. Boston knew they were taking a franchise-crippling move in the trades that brought Ray Allen (huge contract for an old shooting guard who can’t shoot) and Kevin “My Knees Hurt, Yet I still Carry The NBA’s Largest Contract” Garnett to town, well consider the window effectively shut next week.
Heat in six
(1)Los Angeles Lakers versus (8)Oklahoma City Thunder
Angered by not getting more airtime in the Nike ads than James, Kobe Bryant takes it out on Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder and all lingering Sonics’ fans.
Lakers in five
(2)Dallas Mavericks versus (7)San Antonio Spurs
There is no reason Dallas shouldn’t own the West. I mean for the love of God, they’ve got the 2001 All-NBA Team, wait, it’s 2010? Someone get me a time machine in a hot tube.
Dallas in six
(3)Phoenix Suns versus (6)Portland Trail Blazers
Suns’ fans everywhere must feel like they’re watcing “Groundhog Day” every season with this team. Great regular season, lose in the second round. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Suns in seven
(4)Denver Nuggets versus (5)Utah Jazz
There are way too many things to like about the Nuggets: their leadership, dynamic offense, great coaching … leading the league in tattoos. The fundamental thing in this series is that the Nuggets are healthy and Utah, despite having a guy with the last name “Boozer,” simply don’t have the depth to keep up with Denver’s arsenal. Plus, you know, George Karl is recovering from cancer, and karma is going to be on his side.
Nuggets in six