Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL

I really want to write about the Red Sox this week. That old familiar feeling has come creeping around again, and my boys did it in overly dramatic fashion by finishing off the 100-win Angels with a head-first dive into home plate by Jason Bay. However, I don’t want to tempt fate by calling any of the series this week, so we’ll save it for an Eat My Sports: World Series Edition when the time comes, regardless of if it ends up with a worst case scenario for Fox execs by having a Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia Phillies Fall Classic. For the time being though, Jed Lowrie, you rock, and Bay, just keep on rolling baby.

Now, I had the unfortunate experience a couple of weeks ago of having to watch the Sex and the City movie. This is a fate no man should have to endure. Watching the prostitution practices of four unattractive women in New York is ridiculous, I am currently boycotting HBO in my household just for spite of creating this pheromone monster. Through two different girlfriends I have had the misfortune of seeing every episode, twice. I want somewhere in the vicinity of a week of my life and my manhood back. Before going into watching Sarah Jessica Parker’s horse-like mug brought into my living room in HD, Bryan McBournie brought up a plan. One, have a VERY stiff drink. Two, take notes and compare it into something in sports, so I can at least have something positive come out of the experience. So here we go, the NFL, sexified.

Our story revolves around Carrie, a successful writer who has turned her loose lifestyle into a professional writing career. She looks an awful lot like a horse, so ….
Carrie = Indianapolis Colts
Carrie wants to get married to Mr. Big (let it be known I have no beef with this guy other than the fact that he is guilty of bestiality, gross. But other than that, he’s a wealthy playboy who loves being single, props). Mr. Big is more of a fantasy of the ideal life, or a goal in the eyes of women. The want to tame him, collect on the $$$ and stop having to be flirtatious over $15 martinis and awkward sips of morning coffee while they try and find their purse, shoes and bra while the guy they thought was cute the night before updates his Bright Eyes’ collection before the morning shift at Starbucks. So, given that Big is a trophy …
Mr. Big = Super Bowl title
The Colts (we’ll use pre-2006 Super Bowl) are trying to get the unattainable with the help of some friends who share in their life of being waaaaaay too cavalier in their free time. They also hinder the process at times. Like Samantha. Or as I call her, the lead hooker. Samantha has slept with well over half of Manhattan, including women. and given that Tom Brady has scored with more men than anyone in the past year …
Samantha = Tom Brady
Samantha doesn’t want Carrie to get married, so that way she feels better about taking out a garbage can that has more Trojans than USC’s campus. While Carrie may listen to Samantha a few times, this time she’s going to ignore her friend and get what she wants (i.e. the Colts AFC Championship game defeat of the Pats. Side note: how in the closet does it make me look that I am coming up with plausible metaphors for this?)

This brings us to Miranda. The obvious lesbian who is so far into denial she makes Rick Snee’s love for Clay Aiken almost seem manly. Miranda is the pretender, the one who says she wants the same things as the other girls, but never actually backs it up with any actions to follow through. Thank you Tennessee Titans for making this one an easy pick and drafting Vince Young.
Miranda = Tennessee Titans
The Titans always look like they’re doing the right things to move towards a title. But how can you win a Super Bowl with a quarterback that obviously cannot handle NFL pressure. Miranda can’t handle the stress of maintaining a perfect life, so she makes the on the surface moves that make everything look OK, but in the end has the shelf life of a marshmallow in a microwave.

So this moves us on to the daintiest of all the hookers, Charlotte. Charlotte is the one who despite all her years of wild philanthropy, feels that it was a just cause to try and get the husband, kid and white-picket fence. Well she ends up getting these things despite not being the pious virgin she tries so desperately to appear as. Welcome to your 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers!
Charlotte = Pittsburgh Steelers
No matter how much I love the Steelers, I can never really get over how they just lucked themselves into a Super Bowl (fun fact: did you know that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit?). Sure they made some great plays, but you explain to me how Bettis’ late game fumble against Indy goes right into the hands of a guy who had been stabbed in the leg by his wife less than a week before. You couldn’t script this stuff, could you, Paul Tagliabue? Anyways, both Charlotte and the Steelers end up with the life that Carrie wants, despite doing their best to contract a STD that has no name yet.

So the Colts (Carrie) finally find a way to overcome Tom Brady (Samantha) in 2006, and settle into a married life with Mr. Big (Super Bowl). Despite some very hard times getting to that point (like being left at the church, ugh, men are such pigs … ) the Colts finally have their shot at love, and a sequel that nobody wants. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pour a glass of whiskey, eat some steak and potatoeswatch Rambo and try and get back some semblance of being a guy.

Top five games you can bet on next week:
5. Minnesota Vikings over Detroit Lions
Did I have a flashback to 1996, or did I just see Gus Frerotte on Monday Night Football? Adrian Peterson doesn’t have back-to-back bad games, and Detroit’s defense is awful. Vikes 31-10.
4. Miami Dolphins over Houston Texans
I know this game is on the road. But until someone figures out how to stop this Wildcat formation the ‘Fins have going, Miami is going to be a tough team. And by the way Houston, your defense is not going to be the one to solve it. Dolphins 21-13.
3. San Diego Chargers over New England Patriots
The Chargers haven’t been motivated for much this season. But avenging an AFC Title Game loss to the Pats should be one of them. Chargers by a touchdown.
2. Seattle Seahawks over Green Bay Packers
No one knows what Aaron Rodges’ condition is, the ground game has ben non-existent all year and it is possibly Mike Holmgren’s last game against his former squad before retirement. That loss last week to the Falcons is going to stick with the pack for a while. Seahawks by a field goal.
1. New York Giants over Cleveland Browns
Do not be surprised if Brady Quinn makes his NFL debut … then promptly gets carted off the field to a local hospital. Giants by 20.
Last week: 2-3
The season 9-10
I’m due for a comeback!