Welcome back Eat My Readers! Of course, you all know the outcome of Super Bowl LII by now. Nick Foles Face and the Eagles thwarted the dynastic Patriots 41-33, Philadelphia has all but burned to the ground under police-supervised white privilege, and Bryan McBournie is using the pages of his TB12 method book to soak up his tears before the Pats go on another run next year.
In my attempt at further hacking Bill Simmons’ career, I realized it’s been a while since we’ve done a running diary (almost eight years, actually). So, as the Super Bowl unfolded and Philly was about to be turned into carnage, here are exchanges between McBournie and I during the Super Bowl:
6:04 PM Pre–game
Me: I’m wearing my Ben Roethlisberger bumblebee jersey tonight.
McBournie: And you’re both watching the game tonight, how cute.
Me: (Incensed rage) Now I really hope Nick Foles beats the crap out of you (foreshadowing, folks, best be forewarned not to tick me off, because sometimes I’m right, and I believe I had something to do with it).
Me: I’ve already had my weekend ruined by finding out Son of Dundee was a fake.
McBournie: I’m having a better weekend than you.
Side note: Pats’ fans have turned into Yankees’ fans, which is the incredible irony, because most of these geniuses are from New England and should just drink their Dunkin’ and not be pretentious jerks about the fact their team has been good for a little bit.
Me: Pregame, Tom Brady got no high fives. I’m 1-1 tonight!
McBournie: I may have put a hex on this thing already. I’m drinking Yuengling, which is from Pennsylvania. Rest assured, I will be switching to Sam Adams.
Me: Good mother #$%^ing choice!
Me: Gronk doesn’t know the words to The National Anthem, and yet Kaepernick is out of the league.
6:29 PM Jurrassic World 2 commercial comes on, because, you know, they didn’t mess up things enough the first two times they tried this experiment …
6:54 PM After FG fest first quarter begins
McBournie: I just cut my thumb. Probably taking this Brady thing a bit too far …
7:17 PM Mission Impossible LII commercial
Me: Not again
Me: Mission Impossibleist
McBournie: I wonder if Limp Bizkit is on the soundtrack …
Loses track of time
9:00 PM What is and is not a catch becomes an argument that I cannot print
9:36 PM Pats come back, shocker
McBournie: Honestly, this whole “the Patriots come back after the half and look like a different team” plot line is so played out. These NFL writers are lame.
Nick Foles becomes the second-dumbest looking QB to take down Brady in the Super Bowl, and I can’t even enjoy it as my kids during the 4th quarter became quiet ninjas, snuck into my room, found Sharpies and decided I needed a little redecorating. Seriously Guys, this is 35.