America’s Game. America’s day. Nothing quite says “national pastime” quite like the nation collectively gathering to drink cheap beer, eat chips and hot wings and watch the NFL’s championship game solely for the commercials.
I love the Super Bowl. No matter who is playing, I always find a reason to pull for a team, and justify that in one form or another that I have kind of been pulling for them since week 1. Unfortunately for me, my Steelers have only played in the big game twice since my mother decided that she had had it with me in her stomach. This has led me to pull for the Patriots (yes EMS followers, in the Super Bowls held in 1997 and 2002 I actually pulled for the Patriots, this was prior to Tom Brady becoming the devil incarnate), Buccaneers, Titans, Chargers, Eagles, Panthers, Broncos and Colts. Any justifiable reason? I want to have a verifiable excuse for getting excited when something happens.
The problem with the Super Bowl is that it rarely lives up to the hype that the media builds it up for two excruciating weeks. But this year, I have a different feeling. If Brady’s injury is for real, the Pats passing game will suffer even more than it has already through two close games. The New York Giants’ defense will not allow Brady to coast through another Super Bowl untouched, and Eli Manning is validating his career much like his older brother did last year. A little fun fact for you Patriots’ bandwagoners: the last time there was a double-digit spread in the Super Bowl, the Greatest Show on Turf was favored by 14 over a humble New England franchise and a little known quarterback named Tom Brady. History has a funny way of making things come full circle. That’s why my gut instinct says this:
The call: Giants 28 Patriots 27
That’s not the point of this week’s article though. The following is a quarter by quarter analysis of if The Guys were all watching the game in the same location. Or as I like to call it, poetic license.
First Quarter
After the opening kickoff (assuming the Pats get the ball first), the Patriots drive methodically down the field into the Giants’ red zone. After an out-of-bounds touchdown call, the Patriots settle for a field goal. Bryan McBournie chugs a Miller Lite and tells The Guys to get used to it. I in turn throw a hot wing at his head, Rick Snee, never one to waste, quickly dips the wing in ranch and turns back to the game. Chugs Taylor, still lamenting the loss of Steve McNair by the Titans two years ago, curls up in a chair.
After two stalled drives by each team, the Giants return a rare New England punt back 50 yards to set up an Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress touchdown pass. The touchdown ends the quarter. As McBournie in retaliation for me throwing a beer at him attempts to throw a Cheeto at me, Taylor awakes from his misery to catch it in his mouth in mid-air. Quarter over.
Giants 7 Patriots 3
Second quarter
After spending the first five minutes of the second quarter in the bathroom due to a bean-dip induced sickness, Snee comes back to the game to see R.W. McQuarters return a Tom Brady interception 75 yards for a 14-3 Giants lead. Brady looks like a little kid who had his teddy bear taken away from him, he joins the rest of America in watching the jumbotron for the commercials. A Wes Welker crossing route takes New England down to the 10 yard line of the Giants, Laurence Maroney takes care of it from there, cutting the lead down to four. McBournie then takes a large swig from his Booze News beer stein, smiles and promptly kicks me.
Giants 14 Patriots 10
Third quarter
None of us enjoyed or endorsed Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers crooning their way through an unwanted set. Our lives were better off without it. The Patriots take their first lead of the game after Eli Manning fumbles and Junior Seau recovers, a Brady to Randy Moss touchdown pass gives the New England faithful even more to gloat about. McBournie, even more smug challenges Taylor, Snee and myself to a Tabasco chugging contest, none of us oblige, and even PBR starts to sound tasty after having our mouths on fire.
The Giants respond with a second Manning to Burress touchdown, but the Patriots drive again down the field to bring the game within one after a field goal.
Giants 21 Patriots 20
Fourth quarter
None of The Guys see the first five minutes of the fourth quarter. Snee fell asleep, Taylor went out for a chip run, McBournie was writing his column and I was indisposed with a riveting game of Zuma on my phone. Teams exchange punts before Welker finds a hole in the G-Men’s defense and takes another crossing route 43 yards for a score. New England takes it’s first lead since the first quarter as McBournie screams “A-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!” to a visibly unconscious Snee.
Two minute warning, the Giants face a third-and-ten on their own 24, a swing pass to Jacobs barely gets the Giants the first down, but momentum is on their side. Manning orchestrates a drive for the ages before being stalled at the Patriot one yard line with five seconds left. They use their final timeout, Manning plows his way across the goal line. McBournie, accepting defeat, draws a Patriots logo on Snee with a Sharpie.
Final score: Giants 28 Patriots 27
Top five things that annoy me in sports this week:
5. “Boot Gate”
I want to read one story, just one, that does not involve Tom Brady.
4. Seattle Supersonics
The NBA is just horrible when not one, but TWO teams have amassed 13-game losing streaks.
3. Washington Redskins
You’ve tortured your fan base enough, choose another coach and continue on with nearly 20 years of mediocrity.
2. NKOTB
Once again, my non-related topic of the week. Who gives a crap about New Kids On The Block returning? I thought the world was rid of this garbage when one of the Backstreet Boys went to Broadway. Either way, I won’t be watching, or listening.
1. NHL All-Star Game
What ever happened to the blue and red puck Fox used to use?