Eat My Sports: The 2008 Hurl Series

As a baseball fan, I am ashamed. I’ve squared with the fact that the season for the Red Sox just continues in March (otherwise known for some as “Spring Training”). However, this World Series has just become a joke. The umpires in this year’s edition obviously belong in the minors, Bud Selig is better served as a special PR consultant to Jose Canseco, and the whole state of Florida can eat my sports for this load of crap bandwagon for the Rays.

Last night’s game should NEVER have happened. MLB knew the forecast for Philadelphia waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the game even started. But networks run sports these days, and FOX, which is probably ready to shoot themselves over the ratings, needed a potential championship game. Which, being a media guy, I get to some degree. But on my end of things, it’s easy to be a purest/righteous when it has nothing at stake for me. But that’s exactly why I get to complain about it, so deal with it, commies.

Last night’s game made me sick though. Watching the howling winds and rain hitting the players harder than a B-12 shot in Barry Bonds’ ass, we all knew what was going to happen. The game was going to be called at some point. A briiliant start by Zac Efron Cole Hamels was going to be wasted, and we were going to be left with the scraps of this World Series. But allowing the game to keep going until Tampa Bay tied the game was a slap in the face to Philadelphia, and to those who love the sport. The conditions were no worse in the bottom of the sixth than they were in the top. Philadelphia should have been able to play the bottom part of the inning before the game was called, plain and simple. I haven’t seen this big of a botched call since High School Musical 3: Senior Year decided to not invite Bryan McBournie to the opening.

Blaming it on the weather aside, this has been a completely forgettable series. The late nights, the inconsistent umpires, it’s been just as bad for both sides. Apparently, Akinori Iwamura has a strike zone from the top of his batting helmet to the bottom of his cleats. The entire Phillies’ lineup has been walked enough times to endorse speed-walking shoes from Nike at this point. Just be consistent, all I ask.

Now to the television side of things, this year’s ads have made me want to head for the hills between innings. I personally have seen enough Taco Bell and Frank TV ads, that I’m either A: converting directly to an all-taco diet B: Banning TBS and Direct TV from anywhere I go C: Finding a combination of Frank, George Costanza, Jerry Seinfeld, John Madden, George W. Bush, Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro and putting them all out misery for the suffering I have been put through due to horrible impersonations.

GET ME OUT OF THIS WORLD SERIES ALIVE!!!!

Top five games you can bet on next week:
5. New York Giants over Dallas Cowboys
I think you can stop complaining about this “no respect” bull. Giants by a touchdown.
4. Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions
Bryan: Hello, Hell?
Hell: You’ve reached the right number, how can we assist you today Mr. Schools?
Bryan: Just checking on the weather.
Hell: Actually it’s cold as s**t down here, why are you asking?
Ladies and gentleman, the Chicago Bears have the fifth ranked scoring offense in the league, yikes. Bears by a million.
3. Miami Dolphins over Denver Broncos
These guys are my new favorite upset pick. But after that thrashing by Matt Cassel, Denver is soft. I’m beginning to think that Chad Pennington’s offense and a killer D might actually have something going. Dolphins by four.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers over Washington Redskins
A shout out to SeriouslyReader Richard Mann. We appreciate your support of the Red Sox, and understand that you are going to great lengths to support your Redskins cause by joining me next Monday night to watch the game. I may be wearing a Redskins jersey, but I’m afraid it may not help this week. Nonetheless, your ice-cold Coors Lights will make the game THAT much more enjoyable. Steelers in OT (heard it here first) by three.
1. Houston Texans over Minnesota Vikings
The Texans are awful, but so is Gus Frerotte. Until the Vikes get this whole QB thing figured out (maybe bring Daunte Culpepper back?), it’s only going to get worse. Texans 30-13.

It’s officially mid-season, time for our SeriouslyPowerRankings:
5. Carolina Panthers (6-2)
That wooshing sound you heard was Bill Cowher’s chances of replacing John Fox going right out the window.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
You can’t win a game with four INTs and a safety, still only two losses by a combined 16 points against two of the league’s toughest teams.
3. Washington Redskins (6-2)
Right now the Skins have a better resume. Real test comes Monday night.
2. New York Giants (6-1)
This team might be even better than the one we saw in the Super Bowl.
1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)
Way to knock out big brother.