Welcome to my latest attempt to hack Bill Simmons’ career.
We’re coming to you live from the Eat My Mansion for the second half of tonight’s Game 6 of the NBA Finals, we would’ve included the first half had government officials not limited us due to costs incurred to clean up after BP.
Tonight we are joined by McBournie (via text), my two cats Despereaux and Bella, and a beverage that I have not yet named involving equal parts of tequila, orange juice and Sprite. Magic Johnson’s halftime gloat fest is over, we now re-join the game.
10:31 pm
As we get ready for the second half, Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy go toe for toe with useless knowledge and jargon with hopes of campaigning for some NBA GM to give them a head coaching position. In total douche factor, I give Jackson the edge.
10:33 pm
McBournie: Anthony Kiedis looks like he’d be more comfortable at a pig roast.
Me: I think Doc Rivers could score the lead in a Ninja Turtles live-action movie.
Honestly, think about it. If you had to cast that movie perfectly, here are your leads:
Leonardo: Doc Rivers
Donatello: Turtle
Raphael: Kobe Bryant
Michaelangelo: Mr. Magoo
Splinter- Susan Sarandon
10:41 pm
Kobe Bryant is at the foul line for two shots. The crowd is chanting “M-V-P, M-V-P!!!” like he won the freaking award this year. To be fair, the Boston chant of “She Said No!” was based off of something that happened seven years ago. The NBA Playoffs, where 2003 happens.
10:48 pm
Shannon Brown’s dunk puts an early exclamation point on this game, the Celtics aren’t coming back, and everyone knows it. Plus how embarrassing is it to have a guy named “Shannon” put the capper on a game you got blown out in. It’s not even a gender neutral name like Aaron, or Maggie Gyllenhal, this dude’s parents intentionally named him after a girl.
10:57 pm
Rajon Rondo is at the line. Or as my phone likes to call him, Radar Ronda, and if someone uses that as a porn name, I want royalties.
CLANK
CLANK
Boston regains possession, Radar Ronda, a jumper from the foul line … whoosh, right under the net. Ronda’s only nemesis, the foul line, and according to McBournie, Ron Artest’s elbow.
11:02 pm
End of the third quarter, McBournie and I both realize that NBA/ABC/TNT have been playing Green Day for the past two playoffs bleeding into every commercial. Tonight’s selection, “See the Light.” Brilliant choice, ABC. How long did it take you to come up with that gem?
ABC, where painfully obvious happens.
11:05
Start of the fourth, and a totally non-awkward interview between Phil Jackson and a sideline reporter. If you’ve ever watched Jackson during an interview, you can here him channeling Ron Burgundy and thinking, “If you were a man, I’d punch you.”
11:07
Rasheed “3” Wallace gets shoved halfway across the floor, Bryant has a feather land on him and the call goes against Boston. Not that it matters at this point, Celtics would lose anyways, but the officiating in this series has been terrible, like a Game 7 was rigged from the beginning, I’m starting to loathe David Stern more than Bud Selig.
Me: I hate these refs, complete bias. Tim Donaghy’s book sales must have doubled this series.
McBournie: Easily, plus I bet he’s got money on it.
11:08 pm
McBournie: ABC’s signal here blurs on occasion, makes me feel drunker than I am.
Me: That’s not a blur, Pau Gasol is that ugly.
Then Jeff Van Gundy almost on cue says he bets that Gasol yells out “POW!” when he dunks, as a Knicks fan, someone form the mafia needs to take him to a pasture after the game.
11:17 pm
Lakers by god knows how many. I said I’d do a running diary, so I’m sticking to it. ABC does an obligatory promotion for Grown Ups, showing they entire cast int their favorite NBA team’s gear.
Jackson, solidifying his role as the alpha dog of the ABC crew, promptly points out that Adam Sandler had all day to prepare for that commercial, and still wore green under his blue Knicks’ jersey.
AND THE LEAD IS DOWN TO 22!
11:30 pm
McBournie: I still think Boston has this game …
11:33 pm
Lakers win, Game 7 on Thursday night. I have come to the decision that if the Lakers win, and Artest does not scream out “today we spell redemption R-O-N,” then there is nothing redeeming left in sports.