Let’s start this all off by congratulating Radford University. That’s right, folks: our alma mater is in the big dance for the second time in school history and their first appearance since 1998. Our starting lineup was suspended for academic reasons for most of The Guys’ time there, so this whole playing-into-late-March-thing is kind of new to us.
So, here’s to you, RU: you’re in the dance for the first time since the Goo Goo Dolls were still famous, and you’re probably going to get pounded by UNC. Represent us well; the game will be a blur ’cause UNC is fast, and — like any red-blooded Highlander — you recognize your college time is short and started drinking at noon.
Like most people that will be skipping work on Thursday, I spent the better part of my Monday filling out my office (bar) bracket. My Final Four looked a lot different by the time I finished than I thought it would. Honestly, it was a little weird stomaching my choices at first, but in the end, like Stiffler eating the dog turd in American Wedding, I made my decision and knew it was the right one. Don’t be afraid to trust me; after all, I did predict Texas going all the way with Kevin Durant two years ago …
So, who is going to be coming out of each part of the bracket? So glad you asked, Seriously Readers.
East
Pittsburgh Panthers
The only team I can honestly see giving Pitt any trouble is Villanova, but according to my bracket, the Wildcats will be done in by VCU in the second round. DeJuan Blair is going to have a coming out party this NCAA Tournament like no one has seen in recent years. This will be bigger than Steffon Curry’s coming out party, which was basically the basketball equivalent to Clay Aiken.
Pitt is way too talented to lose this part of the bracket. They have been a balanced squad all year long, and a lot of people seem to think they have what it takes to finally break the late tournament wall they seem to have been hitting in recent years. They’ll hit the wall again, but this time it will be in the Final Four.
South
Syracuse Orangemen
Laugh all you want, Jim Boeheim gets his players ready in March. Did anyone watch the Big East Tournament? If you didn’t then you missed the single best weekend of basketball ever assembled. Syracuse stood tough to UCONN and have gained enough confidence to go Chris Brown on anyone they will play.
Secondly, they will come out of their part of the bracket because Eric Devendorf. A buddy of mine drunkenly predicted that Devendorf would own the Big East Tournament because he was probably the nephew of Hogwart’s head Master Albus Dumbledore. They do not look anything alike. But after Devendorf’s performance at Madison Square Garden, I cannot argue with the logic that he will be … magical in the NCAA Tournament.
Now feel free to copy if you want, but you heard it here first, Syracuse, national champions.
West
Memphis Tigers
They do this every year and still get no respect. The Tigers’ level of neck tattoos has decreased since last year’s title game run, but this is probably the best coached team in the tournament, and I swear to God that John Calipari is related to the mob.
Why do all these things matter? They don’t. Except for Calipari’s possible mob connections which could lead to some late game hits, bazing. Memphis is the most experienced tournament team. Now, why does this matter? Basically Memphis is the old hooker of this year’s tournament. Sure, they may not be as glossy as once advertised, but given any situation or request, they know how to get it done. Get that kind of in depth sports analogy from ESPN.
Midwest
Michigan State Spartans
Rant time. Why the #### is this not called the North bracket? You have South, East, West and Midwest? Yes, because clearly every compass has S,E,W and MW on it. Let’s go visit the freaking Midwest Pole. I want to meet this committee and find out what they are smoking because it is clearly void of any basic navigational rules.
Back to basketball. Tom Izzo just has it. This isn’t the scrappy team that won the 2000 title, but these guys have enough resolve to take out Louisville which is really their only challenge in their part of the bracket. Do not be surprised when the Spartans are in the title game.
Sleeper pick
VCU Rams
When I lay down a gigantic “I TOLD YOU SO” when the Rams are in the Elite Eight, don’t act shocked. Eric Maynor will be a media darling by the end of March when their run will fall short against Pitt. UCLA is going to be caught off guard by looking past them, Villanova won’t be able to run with them, and Duke, well we saw this one before.
I’m telling you, Maynor will have a shoe contract and a lap dance from Eva Longoria before the end of the tournament. Ok, maybe just the shoe contract, but some Philadelphia sorority girl will probably give him a lap dance, in which case, good for you Eric, make Richmond proud.
Top five games if you’re in Vegas this week
5. VCU (+7) over UCLA
You’ll be thanking me by Saturday.
4. Minnesota (+4) over Texas
Not many people have this in their brackets, but look for your upsets in the 5-12, 6-11, 7-10 and 8-9 matchups.
3. Pitt (-20) over Eastern Tennessee State
Don’t be scared about the big lines, if any big schools is gonna cover in the early rounds, trust the Panthers.
2. FSU (-3) over Wisconsin
Seriously, my grandmother could pick this one.
1. UNC (-26.5) over Radford
Fellas we love you, make us proud, and please let this be the one I am wrong on. 26.5 points is a lot of points, especially with Radford’s offense, but something tells me the selection committee selected the one team Radford probably couldn’t take out.