This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses

You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.

What happened to the good old days where it wasn’t just a parent’s responsibility, but the duty of any elected or appointed officials, shop owners or approximate busybodies to paint a kid’s bee-hind red? You know, when you kid smack someone’s kid for looking at you the wrong way, hand them back to the parent, explain what they did and watch them get slapped around again?

There’s good news: more than 200,000 kids got spanked in school this year.

Sure, that number’s down from a few years ago, but we can still take solace in the idea that somebody out there wants to slap that as … king look off their face.

First, some back-story: a local heard glass breaking at a video game store and phoned the Chicago police, who responded and managed to find a shattered glass window and three burglars. The three ran; police managed to capture one, but the other two escaped. Two more “lookout” men (and that makes five) were also arrested. Obviously, their vision was a bit impaired.

The two that fled the scene flagged down a police car and asked for a ride home. At first, the officer explained to them that their department did not offer rides, but then quickly noticed that the two men matched the descriptions of the suspects. Draw your own conclusions about that.

Obviously these two MENSA candidates aren’t true gamers. Why so? For two simple rules.

1. Basic gaming instinct would tell you to lay low. Crouch. Crawl on your belly. Trudge around in a box, even.

2. And above all else, you never ask for ride. You’re supposed to yank the officer out of the car and steal it. Right, Jack?

New Zealanders are known for two things: The Lord of the Rings trilogy and overall craziness. This is not the first time public nudity has been allowed in an urban area, and we suspect it will not be the last, either.

On a related note, The Guys will be blogging live from “Boobs on Bikes” later this month.

The monkey was originally spotted by the automated ticket gates. Now, why would a monkey need to get on a train so badly that he would try to escape police custody for two hours? Early speculation: Suicide Monkeys!!!

I love watching the Olympics, I find it fascinating that one event can draw millions of people to care about sports they otherwise would not give a crap about. I also find myself confused as to why, in the big picture, is it so important that someone can move through water really fast? Now I’m just angry.

Trampolining. First off, I didn’t even know that “trampoline” could be used as a verb. Secondly, I would have re-worked my entire childhood if I had known at some point between doing homework and coming in for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that I was training for an Olympic event. You see, I owned trampolines, and I don’t mean that in the fact that I physically had one, but as in if we were in a relationship, I was Bobby, the trampoline was Whitney.

Now, the Olympics have made something that I could have been “training” for, an official event. Not cool. This is like telling any Radford University/JMU/University of Florida/<insert community college here> graduate that Beer Pong has been made an Olympic sport, but that they are not eligible because they already have teams lined up. It’s just cruel.

And furthermore, I am appalled that the International Olympic Committee has not given proper credit to The Man Show, they had girls jumping on trampolines first. And I guarantee that their group would have been a more fitting (not to mention hotter) team to honor the trampoline tradition.

I’m tired of ranting, think I might go trampoline.

Top five things that annoy me in sports this week:
5. Cleveland Browns
That game agains the Giants was disgusting. Don’t be surprised when you are 0-16.
4. Tampa Bay Rays
You guys need to start losing like … pronto.
3. Chinese gymnasts
Oh yeah, I really believe that those 12-year-olds that you put in to competition are actually 16.
2. Michael Phelps
Actually I’m just jealous.
1. Redeem Team
Worst name ever.

OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.

In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:

ERROR 404

DOCUMENT NOT FOUND

HA! Suck on that, Xtians!

I call dibs on the body of the loser!

Boxing is serious business. Worldwide, it’s highly marketable-just ask Coca-cola and Pepsi. The two soda giants have set up camp and attempted to sink their claws into the newest hot boxer, Worapoj Phetkum. Yes Alex, they want Thai hot. Both companies have begun heavy negotiations and camping with the man.

Phetkum has yet to have a boxing match yet, mind you.

But all that’s set to change-he’s in the Olympics! Yes, Phetkum takes on Italy this Friday. It’s not just a winner-take-all match; the winner gets an Olympic medal. The loser gets to go home empty-handed.

Oh, and by the way, I’m talking about Pepsi and Coca-cola.

One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.

That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:

Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.

That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.

The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.

In a deal worth $1 million, Stallone will be the spokesman for Russian Ice, which has the slogan “there is a bit of Russian in all of us.” Stallone, from Russian descent, showed us this slogan was nothing but true in his film debut The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, that’s right folks, The Italian Stallion is now the Russian Lush.