And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.

Is it true I can get drunker quicker by drinking through a straw?

Yes. This is absolutely true.

If you drink liquor through a straw, you will get drunk more quickly and to a greater extent than your peers who are drinking the same alcohol in a normal fashion because you clearly are an idiot and have less brain cells to inebriate.

That’s not all: if you snort your beer, it works even faster!

And do you know why they call them “shots?” Because people used to shoot liquor into themselves with syringes, just like heroin! See if any of the homeless guys in the alley behind the bar have an extra needle to spare!

Can you really go blind from drinking?

Eh, kind of. But only if you wipe your eyes with your hands right after a tequila shot.

Is Jägermeister really made with deer blood?

Should I drink liquor or beer first?

There’s a rhyme you should memorize …. Scratch that. There’s a rhyme your legal booze guardian should memorize before babysitting you:

Beer before liquor,
Shorn foxes always run quicker.

Liquor before beer,
Overalls conceal your deepest, darkest fear.

Just keep those straight and you’ll throw up across someone’s back in no time.

… Or were those supposed to be “after?”

What’s the best way to cure a hangover?

By not drinking!

I’m just kidding. That’s not a cure. You have to have a condition to cure it, which is why abstinence isn’t the cure for babies. (It’s abortion. Abortion cures babies.)

The best cure for a hangover is sleep. No, not just sleep, otherwise you’ll wake up still feeling sick but from hunger or thirst–both of which feel about the same as a hangover, only without the chlamydia.

But, sleep is the most important component of hangover recovery because you’re about to force your body to do things it doesn’t want to do and you don’t want to pass that time conscious.

You body is a wreck right now, and I don’t mean the bruises. I mean your insides.

You’ve just run a knotted old rope of beer, whiskey and late night IHOP through your digestive system. At this point, your stomach may very well reject on pure principle anything your brain puts into it. And can you blame it after what it did once Captain Morgan was at the helm?

1. When you wake up, drink some water. If you feel sick(er) afterwards, go back to sleep. If not, move on to coffee, Gatorade or soda.

2. After your nap, repeat step one. If eveything’s fine, try food. If you feel sick(er) afterwards, go back to sleep.

3. After your nap, repeat step two.

4. If you don’t puke by noon, you probably won’t.

Or, you could risk it with the Hair of the Dog. Your boss or teacher can’t get mad if you’re taking beer and food coloring like medicine.

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* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

You see, everyone’s covered with bacteria, not just skanky people. Over 100 species worth are all over you right now, spreading to everything you touch. Scientists refuse to call this “the Human Slug Trail,” despite all of our letters. And just like snowflakes, only 13 percent of any person’s contamination field is identical to any other person’s.

So, imagine you’re a writer for CSI or work in the much smaller field of actual crime scene forensics. The Icy-Hot Killer has struck another orphanage, but has left no fingerprints. (And, no, there isn’t any semen.) But say they left their calling card: a single can of Icy-Hot. It may be print-free, but unless they wiped it with Chlorox wipes, there should be a bacteria sample.

(Duh-duh!)

The star, referred to as Nemesis, or “The Death Star,” has been theorized for a while. But now NASA’s new satellite, WISE, could be able to prove its existence for the first time. The theory was developed to explain the waves of mass extinctions on Earth, every 26 million years for the past 250 million years.

Our solar system is surrounded by a vast collection of icy bodies called the Oort Cloud. If our Sun were part of a binary system in which two gravitationally-bound stars orbit a common center of mass, this interaction could disturb the Oort Cloud on a periodic basis, sending comets whizzing towards us.

An asteroid impact is famously responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, but large comet impacts may be equally deadly. A comet may have been the cause of the Tunguska event in Russia in 1908. That explosion had about a thousand times the power of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, and it flattened an estimated 80 million trees over an 830 square mile area.

So if we’re able to prove that Nemesis does exist, and its irregular orbit around our own sun is causing regular comet attacks, then the next thing will be for our greatest scientific minds to come up with a plan to neutralize it. Our only hope? A race of people that are only vaguely squid-like in name only.

First in flight, last in correctly identifying idiots.

What can be deemed unsafe about chasing a 7-lb. wheel of cheese down a steep hill? It’s a 200-year-old tradition in England, like the running of the bulls, the only difference is that the cheese doesn’t have horns. Apparently, a bunch of dudes running and falling and rolling end over end down a hill is dangerous.

WHERE IS YOUR SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE NOW?

I’ll keep tabs on NFL free agency just so I know what’s happening, but I normally have several reasons to not give a crap: A) The Steelers are never active in free agency, so it’s not like I ever particularly cared that anyone was available, they weren’t coming to Pittsburgh B) 99% of the signings are never worth it, and you know they don’t make sense (see: Albert Haynesworth meets Washington Redskins). And that is where the 2010 free agency period has thrown me through a freaking loop, I’m confused, intrigued, and probably in need of a drink.

Where to start, well, since it’s in the headline, batter up for …

Jake Delhomme to Cleveland Browns/Brady Quinn to Broncos/Kyle Orton’s beard getting a little uncomfortable
My gut reaction to this, uh, what? Don’t get me wrong, I look forward to Delhomme personally doubling the Steeler’s turnover total in only two games next season. But, what? Delhomme is coming off a career worst year, a team cutting him one year after signing him to a long term contract (hey Cleveland, you do know that the Panthers are paying Jakey, Jakey About to Make a Big Mistakey $12.5 million not to play this year, right?) and is replacing a quarterback that got cheered when an opposing team destroyed his knee. Derek Anderson probably needed to go, but Delhomme is the only quarterback who can actually say that he played worse than Anderson last year. Cleveland, we get it, you like torturing your city, but really? Red Sox fans were depressed for a long time, but what you are doing is essentially handing you fans razors, a “Suicide for Dummies” book, a fifth of crappy bourbon and a Dashboard Confessional CD and saying let the good times roll. I now understand Cleveland’s frustration, Mike Holmgren, your “genius” label just got removed because your thinking is “hey, we didn’t suck enough last year.”

The Quinn move makes this even more interesting. Three years ago the Brown rolled the dice by drafting Joe Thomas with their first selection, then praying that Quinn would slip through the cracks and be available by the late first round. The gamble worked, so how do they reward the man responsible for turning around this ####pile of a franchise?  12 starts, 14 games and 353 pass attempts. way to really evaluate what you’ve got. A quarterback doesn’t start to develop in the NFL until a second season. That’s why Mark Sanchez played better in the playoffs, he had season one under his belt. Cleveland never even gave Quinn a shot before shipping him off to Denver classified as “failed draft pick.” Quinn might just be a pretty face, but why even draft him if Anderson was going to be a roadblock? Why ship off a young prospect for a well past his prime geezer? WHY? WHY? WHY? My head hurts, oh yeah, Orton.

The quarterback carousel in Denver has been anyone’s guess since last March. And last season, quarterback play was not the problem in Denver. After Orton beat out Chris Simms (tough assignment … ) for the starting position, Orton was instrumental in that 6-0 start. Not great, but key. Orton is basically a rich man’s Trent Dilfer. But why in the name of all things holy, do you bring in Quinn to this equation? Not only are you now overloaded on mediocre quarterbacks, but you bring in a guy with 14 career games in three seasons after being taken in the first round? JaMarcus Russel at least got to prove he was a bust, but maybe Cleveland knew something that none of the rest of us do: Quinn sucks. If qb is your problem, draft someone and make a poor decision on your own terms.

Let’s kick out the old guy that can still play and bring in the old guy who can’t
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 New York Jets! Someone explain to me how you justify a decision that removes 1,300 yards and 14 touchdowns, and replaces it with 700 and 12. Bad move by the Jets and LaDainian Tomlinson.

Thomas Jones was the heart of that New York locker room. A guy whose style of play replicated the hard nosed defense that became the identity of the team last year. And believe me, everyone on that team is pissed about Jones being gone. So Jones just waltzed on down to New England Mid-West in Kansas City and is going to be laughing his ass off when the Chiefs are in the playoffs, and the last image we will have of LT is him moping on the bench with a trench coat over him. The guy has no passion or drive anymore, Phillip Rivers may have listened to him pine about the good old days, Bart Scott is going to smack the crap out of him.

How does LT get swayed into this? Can’t be money, he’s already made all he will ever need. But the perfect situation was Minnesota. If all Tomlinson cared about was winning a Super Bowl, how is New Jersey your best option. It’s like having a shot with Brooklyn Decker then saying “you know what, I’m going to go for Salma Hayek, but only if she stays dressed up as Frida Kahlo. Because when I finally get some distance from the situation, it’s the right choice.” The Jets have a football unibrow, and the Vikings will win the Super Bowl next year.

Active or reactive?
If you’re looking for Pittsburgh Steelers news that doesn’t involve sexual assault, look no further than free agency. In a weird twist, Pittsburgh, the team least active during free agency, have re-signed safety Ryan Clark to a multi-year deal, brought back linebacker Larry Foote from a one year stint in Detroit, welcomed back prodigal son Antwaan Randle El from Washington and placed the franchise tag on kicker and paper towel dispenser attacker Jeff Reed.

This leaves everyone wondering, what the hell? Welcome back ghosts from Super Bowls past! I guess I understand bringing back players from previously successful runs at reduced rates, but really? The Foote and Clark signings are really the only ones I understand. The rest of it just sounds like a friend justifying getting back with an ex because “it really might work this time. No, and um … no. Some things are better left in the past, but looks like Pittsburgh is going to find out the hard way.

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!

And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.

Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.

I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.

He’s 45, he lives in Florida, he recently joined the GOP after a stint as an independent, and oh yeah, he claims to be a vampire, just ask his 19-year-old fiancee, an Ohio native he met online. His platform: um, he’s apparently a descendant of Vlad the Impaler, was engaged to a 16-year-old Minnesota girl last month, but they now have a restraining order on him, and he also has a bit of history with the law, including the Secret Service are monitoring him.

Key quote: “I haven’t dated a girl older than 19 since 2006,” said the Tampa man as his 19-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old grandson met him at the Greyhound station. “It’s good to be me.”

(Thanks Dave)