Tom Cruise is thoroughly convincing in each phase — from the sweet, shy, starry-eyed teenager with romantic notions of fighting for his country and becoming a war hero; to a quickly disillusioned Marine struggling with the conflicts between warfare and his Catholic morals; to a proud, wounded veteran determined to have a positive attitude in the face of unfriendly ’60s protestors and his family’s sadness; to a self-pitying paraplegic; and finally, to an active spokesperson fighting against U.S. involvement in the Vietnam war.

The first part of the film is a bit over the top: the soundtrack is incredibly hokey and the family dynamics are so idyllic that I longed to hear a curse word, to see a cat have a tin can tied to its tail, an alcoholic parent stumbling over furniture — anything. One could argue that these scenes are filmed as nostalgic memories of a lost utopia, or one could just conclude that they’re overdone. It’s difficult to imagine that someone’s reality could be as squeaky-clean as a Leave It to Beaver episode, but maybe some people of Kevin’s generation would swear that that’s exactly how it was.

Once in Vietnam, this goody-goody-two-shoes background serves to make the war scenes even more harrowing. Cruise seems more innocent, vulnerable, and just plain younger than the boys in The Deer Hunter, so much so that the exigencies of combat seem even crueler. Stone’s film is a well-executed drama that involves a man fighting to find himself and to come to terms with the choices he has made.

This elegiac idealism, where young men cry when they loose wrestling matches and where God only cares for the man who serves his country, is subverted when Kovic must fight in the lands surrounding the Cua Viet River. Here, accidents are bound to happen, and the confusion of war rips apart innocent lives. This middle-section of the film moves quickly and ends with Kovic lying in a military hospital. Crippled and shell-shocked, he clings to his shattering idealism and demands that people give him the respect he believes he deserves.

The Stone we have learned to love and hate emerges fully in the third section of the film, in which he is in complete control of Kovic’s transformation. Stone nicely contrasts Kovic’s liberalizing deterioration with the changing political climate that marked the shifting of power between the Kennedy and Nixon administrations. Kovic desperately tries to believe that there is logic to the pain he suffers, but concludes that he was nothing more than a pawn in an ill-conceived political scheme.

Once Kovic is forced to think about the state of American politics, it’s completely downhill from there – even if the journey becomes a tad overlong. From a battlefield of dying Americans and Vietnamese to the homeland battle against misplaced idealism, Kovic’s journey continues as a battle toward godlessness. From young dreamer to broken soldier, Kovic’s journey is startling and ironic; a vision that could only have been imparted by hands as gentle and powerful as those of Oliver Stone.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone.

Bubbles the chimp did it.

Remember Bubbles? He toured with Jacko for a little while in the late 80s, when touring with a wild animal was popular. (Bruce Springsteen toured with kangaroo.) For a time, Bubbles was famous, but he was famous for being Jackson’s second banana. And even if you like bananas, that fact can eat at you.

So over the decades since Bubbles sat quietly in his “wildlife reserve” retirement home in Florida, plotting to kill the monarch who ruined his life. He took time establishing connections in the underground, observing Jackson’s habits and trying to forget how to moonwalk. When the time came, he ordered the regicide. All from behind bars.

With enough patience, every major news story is part of the War on Animals.

Until she started singing the f&$king BeeGees.

Debra used the song “Stayin’ Alive” to time the chest compressions she adminstered to her husband. She picked up this nasty idea from an American Heart Association PSA.

Amazingly, despite the title song from the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, he pulled through long enough for paramedics to arrive and administer the defibrillator. But is it really worth living once that song gets in your head?

(Now you can tell us, suckers.)

Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.

Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.

So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?

Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!

(Courtesy of Groonk)

The security guard on duty was found bound and stuck under a nearby trailer. We’re pretty sure he’s been fired by now. But probably in a nice way, since it happened in Canada.

The value of the theft? Ballparking figures around US$670,000. Yeah, we were kind of hoping it would be worth more, too.

Trust us, you need to be sitting for this. We know you’re usually sitting down when you’re on your computer, but we had to make sure. It sounds good, and besides, you may be reading this on your phone.

Sitting now? OK, good.

Salamanders can re-grow legs. That’s shocking enough, but now science wants to do the same thing to us. Let me just say right now that I enjoy living my live dry almost all the time. I enjoy breathing oxygen and I like having teeth, too. I have no urge to be a salamander.

What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)

Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself.

Michael Bay doesn’t know how marijuana works.

I can understand if Michael Bay is ignorant to how an illegal drug works. Based on his constant stroking of the U.S. military and cops in his movies, you can tell he’s an authoritarian. That’s why I’ve listed this point first, because it’s as excusable–and hilariously embarrassing–as Mormons trying to cuss.

Scene: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is moving into his freshman dorm, and his mother (Julie White) is hysterical from an untreated Electra-complex understandably distraught. How does she treat the emotional volcano that is her mouthhole? With a pot brownie she bought from another student.

Michael Bay’s Direction: “CUT! What are you doing, Julie?! You’ve eaten a weed brownie! Run FASTER! Scream LOUDER! Tackle that STUDENT!

“Now, try AGAIN! ACTION!”

Michael Bay doesn’t know how the U.S. government works.

I have no explanation for this, other than Michael Bay possibly fell asleep during all non-helicopter-related lessons in Social Studies.

Scene: Sam, whoever Megan Fox is supposed to be and a couple of aggravating supporting characters track down some mysterious computer nerd that knows something about transformer hieroglyphs. (This is before Megan Fox remembers that she has a Decepticon in her goddamn hat box.)

Low and behold, it is Agent Simmons of Sector 7 (John Tuturro) from the first movie, working in a butcher shop or deli or … whatever. Point is that he’s not a government agent anymore because Sector 7, the sole government agency that studied Transformers, was shut down by the government once they learned that Transformers are real … which they already knew because they found Megatron …

At this point, if I were John Tuturro, I’d raise my hand to ask what’s going on with my character.

Michael Bay’s Direction: “Do you think the Department of Homeland Security will exist anymore when we win the War on Terror? No. Would the Department of Transportation exist if cars were replaced? Absolutely not. Now quit asking stupid questions and readjust your chef’s hat to make it goofier! ACTION!”

Michael Bay doesn’t know how the Air & Space Museum works.

For a guy who seems like he would annoy tour guides at this museum with countless interruptions (“You mean the F-14, which was prominently featured in the AMC-favorite, Top Gun?”), he sure doesn’t understand the basic layout or even location of the place.

Scene: After Agent Simmons reveals the possible location of an old Transformer who can read ancient robot hieroglyphs “in Washington, D.C.,” the team heads 30 minutes west of D.C. to the expanded Smithsonian Air & Space Museum near Dulles Airport in Chantilly, Virginia. The robot they’re looking for turns out to be the SR-71 and a Decepticon. It escapes the building by blasting a hole in the outer wall …

Michael Bay’s Direction: “And … CUT! Great! Pack up this sh*t, we’ve got to shoot the outside of this museum … in the Mojave desert!

“GOOD-BYE, downtown D.C.! PEACE!”

Michael Bay doesn’t know how submission works.

If there’s one lesson Michael Bay wants you to walk away from Transformers 2 with, it’s this: Megan Fox is super-duper hot. Like, so HOT that even machines want to DO her.

Scene: Earlier in the movie, it’s revealed that Sam has, not one, but two sissy little dogs now, who hump each other for dominance. Did you pay attention to that moment in the beginning? Because it’s super important to Michael Bay that you recognize this behavior pattern in animals.

Cut to later in the film. The aforementioned tortured Decepticon decides to become good to serve Megan Fox because she’s so hot. To demonstrate his subservience, the robot  …

Michael Bay’s Direction: “What the f$%k is this?! NO! WRONG! The robot humps HER leg because he’s demonstrating HIS subservience to HER dominance! Did you even watch the earlier part with Shia’s F%#KING PURSE DOGS!?

“DO I HAVE TO ANIMATE EVERYTHING MYSELF?! Do it AGAIN!”

Michael Bay doesn’t know how black people work.

Michael Bay can work with some decent black characters, which he tries to prove to the audience with a prominently featured Bad Boys II poster. Even Chief Master Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson) is an interesting character in both movies. Unfortunately, these are the exceptions; the majority of his black characters border on minstrelsy or are laser cannon fodder.

Scene: Reeling from the loss of Optimus Prime (yeah, like that’s gonna last the whole movie), Sam, Megan Fox and everyone else are camping until they figure out what to do next. Sam tries to show Skids and Mudflap some Transformer hieroglyphs, to which they reply …

Michael Bay’s Direction: “’Read? Uh…’ And then the other one says in an even MORE GANGSTA voice, ‘We don’t– We don’t really read.’ Do it exactly like that!”

Some Assistant Director: “Which one says which line? Skids or Mudfl–“

Michael Bay’s Direction: “Who cares?! Oh, and take these notes to those pigf%&kers in the animation department. I want them to have gold TEEF and Big Willie-style ears … oh, and make sure they’re SUVs! If they don’t have rims, give them rims, MO’F#@KA! …”

Some Assistant Director: “Isn’t that a little racist?”

Michael Bay’s Direction: “… And they’re always fighting and calling each other ‘PUSSAY’ or ‘BEE-YOTCH’—oo, they should call BumbleBEE a ‘BEE-yotch!’

Some Assistant Director: “Sir– Sir, are you being racist again?”

Michael Bay’s Direction: “What? NO!

“Well, maybe have one of them get eaten by Devastator, but punch out of his body. We don’t want to repeat the Jazz Incident.”

“This movie’s gonna be SO AWESOME!” He crumples and spikes a can of Red Bull. “F&%K!”

You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.

Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.

No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.

Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”

That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.

Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.

So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”

Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”

And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!

Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”

So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.

The latest crew to become permanent landlubbers be The Pirate Bay, the Stockholm-based piracy site that formerly be a peer-to-peer server which made video games, movies and music available for “sharing” among users, but most recently, be raided by Swedish commodores and the ensuing trial against the BitTorrent site’s founder resulted in a guilty verdict. No more though! The Pirate Bay now be owned by Sweden’s Global Gaming Factory X AB for the quaint sum of 7.8 million dollars. That be a lot of wenches and grog!

In a quote from Hans Pandeya, CEO of the buyers:

“We would like to introduce models which entail that content providers and copyright owners get paid for content that is downloaded via the site.”

“In order to live on, The Pirate Bay requires a new business model, which satisfies the requirements and needs of all parties, content providers, broadband operators, end users, and the judiciary. Content creators and providers need to control their content and get paid for it.”

Seems that legal fees be a higher priority than privateering, eh bucko?