The trust found the fabled lost whiskey of Sir Ernest Shackleton, which has been mellowing in the permafrost for a century. One can imagine it’s quite smooth at this point, more importantly, it was the booze of the famous explorer. Apparently the whiskey was sitting underneath Shackleton’s hut in Antarctica. The bottles were still in their boxes.

From what it sounds like, they’re not even planning to open them up and enjoy the liquor of a great man. What a waste.

I had been planning an expedition to find the hidden hooch, so you can imagine this news comes are a great shock to me. I have been preparing myself to deal with cold weather and other dangers of such an expedition. Only a matter of weeks ago, I braved a snow storm to get to the liquor store and buy bourbon. This was a training exercise, and one I did not feel I needed to do again this past weekend, when the Washington area was hit with another huge snow storm.

I had a picture in my head of what the moment would be like when I found the lost whiskey. I would have braved the elements, battled frostbite and worse, just to open those boxes. When I would have found them, I would reach into my backpack and retrieve a glass, crack open a bottle, and enjoy my victory with nothing but the harsh Antarctic winds as a witness. That dream can never happen now.

It could be said that the New Zealand Antarctic Heritage Trust has ruined by life. I now have to find some other goal to which I can devote my efforts. Perhaps I’ll learn how to scuba dive and recover booze from shipwrecks.

Researchers at the University of California, Davis discovered that beer is a source of dietary silicon–which may be good for bone growth–and that beers with high levels of malted barley and hops carry the most.

Listen, fellas, if old milk ads have taught us anything, it’s that women love a healthy set of bones. So, bottom’s up!

Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!

(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)

Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.

We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

Why not try something fast, filling and fat free? We present to you, the camel burger. Because you know you’ve looked at a camel before and thought, “Hmmm, I wonder what that thing tastes like, especially on a bun with some cheese on it.” Now you can find out.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.

In case your calendar doesn’t update to include every observation ever conceived by people with charities to fund, February 5 is National Wear Red Day.

National Wear Red Day was organized by the American Heart Organization, which doesn’t realize that red is already the color of:

• HIV/AIDS
• Communism
• Wrist Awareness
• Sixth Grade Literacy (What? You didn’t read The Red Badge of Courage?)
• Republican Washington Nationals Fandom
• Khurramite Succession Over the Mazdak Religion
• Anthropomorphized Kool-Aid

Basically, we’re saying they could have received better notice if they chose a less used color.

By the way, we’re sorry that we reported everyone wearing red to the FBI for possible ties to Khurramite extremism. We got spooked by the sudden numbers.

Researchers said they modified the tomatoes by manipulating two enzymes involved in ripening the ubiquitous fruit, which allows them to extend shelf life by 30 days. Reportedly, the techniques could be used to extend the shelf life of bananas and mangoes.

Is this a good idea? Of course not. Rotting tomatoes were obviously our only weapon in the Great Tomato War. How am I the only person to remember this fact?

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

What? You have no idea what we’re talking about? Well, the owner of the rights to the Australian children’s song “Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree” (the story of a fisherman’s existential crisis and huge shark catch) sued Men At Work, yes, that Men At Work, for plagiarizing the flute solo in “Land Down Under,” better known as Men At Work’s only memorable song.

This is why songs don’t have flute solos anymore.