Over the past ten years, human beings have changed the way we socialize with each other, mostly because of technological advances like caller ID, social Web sites and cell phones. At this point, it is rare when we are contacted by a complete, unidentified stranger.
So, what do you do when an unknown phone number pops up on your cell phone? You could screen the call, but where’s the adventure in that? Back in the old days, it could have been a radio contest or even an old fashioned ploy for your credit card number.
Still, when was the last time you were even in a robbery attempt? See? That’s damn exciting!
As a service to your boring Friends-list (notice how it sounds like friendless?) only life, The Guys are bursting your bubble and teaching you how to answer the phone.
Tools:
- Phone
- Appendage or prosthetic to press “talk”
1) Pretend you don’t speak English or at least speak it well.
Nothing helps a caller explain their intentions more loudly and slowly than talking to a foreigner.
YOU: Da?
CALLER: Hello?
YOU: Da? Yes? Hello?
CALLER: Hello, sir. I am calling on behalf of the Smith Foundation Contest to inform you that you have possibly been selected out of thirteen possible candidates as a finalist in our drawing for a free trip to Disney World. In order to process your eligibility and, in the eventuality that you win, we will require the following means to ascertain your financia —
YOU: Vhat? Vhat is this you’re are talkink to me about?
CALLER: You may have won a candidacy slot for a free trip to Disney World —
YOU: Disney World? Mickey Mouse, yes?
CALLER: Yes sir. You may have won a trip to see Mickey Mouse at Disney World —
YOU: Oh! When we leavink?
CALLER: No. I mean, not yet. You’re in the drawing –
YOU: Drawink? I am beink in cartoon?
CALLER: No, I — I need your credit card number.
YOU: Social Security Card isn’t not on me at this moment.
CALLER: No. Your cre-dit card. All I want is your cre-dit card num-ber. Vi-sa? Ma-ster-Car-d?
YOU: Huh, this sounds like a scam.
[Hang up.]
2) Answer as a wholly inappropriate business.
Chances are pretty good that, if you’re receiving a call from an unknown number, it’s probably a scam. Or annoying sales people. Or political cold calls. Or, the worst of all: wrong numbers.
If you want to make sure they’ll never call you again, answer in a manner that will scare the beejeezus out of them.
- Biff’s Back Alley Abortions: you rape ’em, we scrape ’em. How many can I put you down fer?
- Thank you for ordering the Pre-Teens Gone Wild DVD series. Please state your full name and press the pound key to continue.
- You have reached the white slave trade help line. If your imported sex worker has disappeared, press one. If your slave has damaged your body or property, press two. If your slave has gained access to a phone and called the police, please stay on the line and an operator will reach you shortly.
- Hello? Scott Peterson speaking.
3) Go paranoid-schizo.
YOU: Who are you? How did you get this number? Who do you work for? Are you tracing this call? You’re tracing this, aren’t you? How do I know you’re not tracing this call to kill me?
CALLER: I … uh …
YOU: Ha, that’s just what someone-who’s-trying-to-kill-me would say!
[Hang up.]