How To: Attend a movie premier

Chugs is on leave this week for a death in his family. MasterChugs Theater will return when he’s ready to come back.

The Watchmen premieres in select theaters at midnight, Friday.

Drink that in for a second. SeriouslyGuys, a Web site that, for the past three years, has only been interested in lining our own pockets and furthering our own agenda just gave notice of someone else’s work … in a non-plagiaristic sense.

This is the most anticipated movie premier since Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, and we all know how well that turned out. Still, while the movie owes us $9 apiece, the premier was a spectacle: a last throwback to whatever opera fans used to do when Mozart was still alive and farting Salieri tunes.

This film, really, is just a reason to get together with like-minded folks. The lynch mob clamoring for the director’s blood afterwards is merely a coincidence.

In any case, it’s important to be prepared for what may be the defining moment of your life (and let’s face it: this might be). That’s why The Guys — except McBournie, who frowns on your shenanigans — are teaching you how to attend a movie premier.


  • Source material
  • Enthusiasm that burns with the heat of 1,000 suns
  • A computer with the Internet and a credit card
  • Punctuality
  • Sewing kit/body paints
  • Hands
  • Flask

1) Hype yourself up to maximize disappointment.
This starts way before the actual premier, actually about when production rumors hit AICN. Devour all “news” leaked to the Internet. Appraise the costumes. Read all the actors’ biographies.

Most importantly, re-read the source material every couple of weeks until the day of the premier. Then read it twice.

Remember: if you convince yourself hard enough, a whole group of Hollywood big shots is going to read your favorite comic book the same way you do.

2) Buy your ticket in advance.
This is a no-brainer. There’s Fandango and some theaters sell directly on their own web sites now. We just hate to see nerds get cheated by scalpers.

3) Show up early.
There’re two reasons for this:

a. Unless you reserved specific seats, the best seats will go by who waited the longest at the door.

b. At best, there will be a meeting of fellow minds and maybe beer in the parking lot. At worst, there’s “Cruisin’ USA” in the lobby! (C’mon, when’s the last time you played that?)

4) Wear a costume.
Movie premiers are like Halloween: if you’re not in costume, then you’re just an extra: nobody acknowledges you and you exist merely to populate. Also just like Halloween, you don’t want to the one of five Jokers at The Dark Knight. At the very least, you want to be the only Nurse Joker.

Rorshach will be done. And done more so this Halloween. He’s the new Joker, who was the new Red Power Ranger.

We recommend the following:

  • The kid who reads Tales of the Black Freighter
  • Nixon
  • Old Man Hollis
  • A broken statue (Percy Shelly fans, to us!)
  • Hooded Justice
  • Naked Dr. Manhattan*

Don’t think you only have to do this for geek movies, though. For instance, Chugs dressed up as J-Lo for the Maid in Manhattan premier. Schools isn’t allowed to laugh because he dressed up as Ralph Fiennes.

5) Applaud every time your favorite scene begins and ends.
What’s your favorite scene? I know! It’s impossible to pick! Just clap at everything. To paint the scene for you, pretend you’re the chairperson of at Obama’s first State of the Union Address.

For the rest of you who “know that the cast and crew aren’t there” and don’t believe in applauding projected light, you can play The SG Movie Premier Drinking Game:

  • Drink one every time some asshole applauds.
  • Drink one more because it’s easier to call into work the next day hungover than tired.

*The Guys will award one free SG t-shirt to anyone who sends photographic evidence of a fully nude Dr. Manhattan (e.g. an actual naked person painted blue) at a theater. The Blue Man Group is not eligible.

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