How To: Avoid science

We lost one of the giants this week. Aside from President-elect Barack Obama’s grandmother, author Michael Crichton died this week. We all know who he is, so stop pretending. Crichton brought us books like “Jurassic Park,” “Sphere,” “The Andromeda Strain,” the television series ER and even movies like Twister, Congo, and That Forgettable One With Paul Walker in Medieval France–some of which were based on his books. (Check with Chugs for the movies he directed in the 1970s.)

Crichton was a modern day Mary Shelly, except a dude and nearly seven feet tall. He was like Shelly, in that he taught us that science is a really, really horrible thing. We should never trust it, we should always question it because one day it will get us all killed. Oh, and global warming is like eugenics. With that in mind, we bring you how to avoid science.


  • Television remote
  • A window big enough to throw stuff out of
  • Tin foil
  • Lack of curiosity

1) Turn off the television.
Do you really want to learn about what scientists are doing these days? As commenter groonk notified us, science is now creating Frankendogs (coincidentally, also the title of one of Shelly’s lesser known novels). It’s true: ignorance is bliss. In fact, that’s why science is so evil, its whole quest is to learn more about the world and to test the limits of what God will allow us to learn about the boundaries he set up for us.

Avoiding the news isn’t enough. There will always be commercials on your local channels about what’s coming up for the news at 8 pm. Plus, there are other examples of science to be found on non-news shows, like FOX’s new show Fringe, which is all about how to get your chip shots closer to the hole “fringe” science. The fledgling show, aside from finding Pacey a new job, have also dealt with reanimation. So pretty much everything on television is bad.

2) Get rid of all technology.*
You know how they made your cell phone? Science. Security cameras? Science. Voting machines? Cruise control? Indoor plumbing? You guessed it: science, with a bit of help from Paul Walker.

With that in mind, you need to get away from the machines, because one day they will come after you, or scientists might send them after you because they know you are on to them. While you are getting rid of all technology from your life, it is suggested to wear a hat out of tin foil. This can be tough, because tin foil really isn’t made anymore. Why not? Because they know when you wear it on your head they can’t read your thoughts. Aluminum just isn’t the same.

*It is perfectly OK to keep your computer in order to maintain contact with The Guys.

3) Don’t go in the alien spacecraft.
If we have said it once, we have said it 1 million times. Sure, that thing that fell from the sky near your house looks like it could be something interesting. Trust us: it’s not. This is really a no-win situation. Here are the outcomes:

  • The thing you find is not friendly and decides to display this to you by ripping your head off and/or shooting you with a laser beam. If the alien thing is not friendly, really all you can hope for is becoming a pet.
  • The thing you find is friendly. Now all it wants to do is ask you questions and show off its glowing finger. You know how awkward it is when a friend crashes at your place and won’t leave for a few days? Picture that on an interstellar scale. On top of that, the thing will probably demand you take it to our leader. This is a big hassle to your schedule, and besides, Ryan Seacrest is a busy man.
  • The thing you find is dead and may or may not have some deadly disease from outer space. Nice job, Explorer Bob, you just caught yourself a cold that will probably kill you and take the rest of civilization with it. The feds will be on the scene within minutes either way, and they are going to take you someplace where you will learn to love answering questions asked by the Dude With a Really Bright Light Behind Him Shining in Your Eyes.

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