How To: Be a tourist

Yes, it is spring–a time when warmth, love and even March Madness are in the air. Trees bud, bears come out of their caves, and humans get the sudden urge to travel.

Science still is unsure what it is in humanity that causes this urge to migrate, or why it has to be some place the individual or their offspring has never been. The current theory is that in ancient times, Neanderthals survived when the seasons changed, by grabbing their primitive cameras and hopping on buses to see big piles of rocks they had learned about in history class. This was a very short class, since nothing had happened yet.

With this in mind, The Guys bring you how to be a tourist.

Tools:

  • Tickets to your destination
  • Facial muscles
  • Baseball hat
  • Sunglasses
  • Dinero
  • Camera
  • Large girth

1) Look the part.
If you’re not wandering around with a general look of bewilderment on your face, you’re not committing to your role. This needs to be your expression the minute you step out of your house and head toward whatever mass transportation method you chose to take you to your destination. Don’t take it off your face until you return home.

Not really sure exactly what to do? Look up a lot, preferably with your mouth open. This is always a clear sign to those around you that you have never seen before the things you now see before you. It is like a bat signal to locals going about their day, except instead of a bat, it says “TOURIST” and people want to get away from you, lest you ask them for directions.

2) Dress the part.
It’s time to wear a baseball hat and sunglasses at the same time. You know you’ve wanted to ever since that was made illegal sometime in the mid-90s. Here’s your chance. The sunglasses not only shade your eyes as they gaze upward, but they also look snazzy regardless of the weather.

While you are out, it is important to seek out the probably-illegal souvenir peddlers. If you don’t have sunglasses, here is your chance to rectify the situation. More importantly, it is your chance to get a T-shirt, hooded sweatshirt or other apparel with the name of your current location and likely a picture of one of its most prominent features. You must wear this shirt during your trip. It lets people know that you have realized you are somewhere you are not used to, and proudly show you are capable of purchasing wardobe items that will shrink horribly after one wash.

3) Act the part.
You surely have brought along your camera. Now it is time to use it. Chances are, there are already throngs of overweight, Hawaiian shirt-clad people taking pictures of the closest attraction, so head over and do what they do. Make sure to point and say “Wow! I wonder how it got to be so (insert feature here)!”

Try to block the normal routes of traffic whenever you can. This means stopping in the middle of a busy sidewalk to fumble with your map, jaywalking because you aren’t used to traffic signals and standing on the side of the escalator normally reserved for people climbing the steps. Don’t worry about clogging traffic when you are on your tour bus. That hulking monstrosity is already blocking traffic for you! Still, do your part, and ask the bus to stop as often as possible, so you can take a grainy, back-lit picture.

Bonus tip: If you’re in a location where the local language is not English (like New Orleans), be sure to mangle street names and food orders as much as you can.