At some point, you decided to be famous. But not normal famous–there’s some things you just won’t eat (anymore). And not by getting your band back together–Steve’s still a toolbox.
That leaves only one way to become famous: you’ll have to be an artist, and we don’t mean “I sell needlepoint apples at craft shows” artist. We mean an artiste; why, practically begging to have a ninja turtle named after you.
You keep dreaming big while we explain how to be an artist.
Tools:
- Thrift store
- Cigarettes
- White Out
- Paints and crap
- Tragedy or talent
1) Dress odd, yet vaguely stylish.
Artists aren’t like you and us … well, they’re not like you. (We’re avant-garde, whores!) Consequently, it would be a mistake to look like everyone else. How else will other people know you’re an artist when hanging out at an independent coffee shop/record store?
However, you don’t want to be confused with homeless people or unhip losers, so there’s a fine line to walk here. Basically, dress in today’s style, but add a scarf.
Or a mustache.
Definitely a hat, but not a trucker hat.
2) Get some bad habits.
All we’re gonna say is that Hitler was a vegetarian who didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, bathed regularly, loved animals, supported the troops and ironed all of his clothes.
That’s the difference between an artist and a failed artist.
(Unlike us, who are now Godwinned artists.)
3) Forget the definition of irony.
Eventually, someone is going to catch you acting like an average jackoff. There’s only one way out of this trap: “it’s ironic.”
We could go into a long spiel about what irony means, but that doesn’t help you. In fact, remove it from all your dictionaries.
We’ll wait.
If you’ve ever wanted to see two critics hyperventilate, define “irony.” The resulting slap fight will last for days and, in the end, irony will remain undefined. More importantly, they’ll forget all about that time they caught you in Under Armor on a Stairmaster.
4) Make some art (arts?).
It’s time to create! Give birth to your many visions! Ride that muse like that coin-operated helicopter in the mall!
You do have ideas, right?
*sigh*
OK, you know those opinions everyone has? Take one of those, then flip it upside down. Paint fat people making fun of skinny people or humans in a giant lab maze.
If that doesn’t work for you, then take two or thirteen of those opinions and mash them all together using table scraps and human medical waste.
Finally, just take some really close-up pictures of tiny things like buttons or testicle wrinkles, then write one of those opinions on the note card that hangs next to it.
5) Now die!
Oh, you thought you were going to be famous in your own lifetime as an artist? HAHAHAHAHA–
–Wait, you actually did think that. Wow.
Look, artists aren’t allowed to be famous and alive. They tried that once with Salvidor Dali with disastrous results. It’s like a U.N. law or something. Sorry, pal.
Anyway, this is where the artist stature curve works in.
Someone like Van Gogh, whose art looked pretty cheap, would factor low on the talent scale, but considering he wandered alone into a field not unlike the ones he painted and shot himself, that high tragic death score raises him into the higher levels of artistic stature.
Salvidor Dali was a decent talent. Nobody could paint melting clocks like he could, but his nudes in Playboy were frequently outdone by Hugh’s airbrushing team. This makes him a medium talent, but he died of a broken heart after his wife died. Also, he gets further points because his family made him sign blank canvases in bed to sell after his death.
Pablo Picasso was a great talent. He painted cubes because he got tired of painting good. However, he died while entertaining dinner guests, asking them to drink to him. That’s no tragedy, unless you’re a food critic. He ranks near the top, but could’ve benefited from self-mutilation (see: Van Gogh).
Michaelangelo was a mighty talent, nearly a top talent scorer. Couple that with him dying in the middle of designing St. Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican, and you’ve got a fairly high tragedy score as well. He is truly one of the greats.
So, figure out your talent level. If you’re not so great, then you’re in for one rough life. Good luck, new artist!