You’re famous. People recognize you most places you go. Yet, not everyone knows who you are (Jeremy Piven). You want to be the lead story of any place you go, get free drinks regardless of time of day, and you want to flex some serious muscle in L.A.
Your publicist can only do so much. It’s up to you to take it the rest of the way. If you try, really try, you too can be one of those celebrities that grace the tabloids week after week. How? Listen to The Guys, are going to show you how to become tabloid fodder.
Tools:
- A big mouth
- Emotional scarring
- Lack of inhibitions
- Expendable income
1) Have a big mouth.
We all know you really love yourself, and that’s really why we love you. You remind us of the cool kids in high school, and because of that, we want to be just like you. But really, how do we do that if we don’t know much about you?
Do you have hepatitis? What are your thoughts on the war in Iraq? Maybe you were sexually abused as a child. We don’t care what it is you have to say, we just want to hear it. The more you talk, the more you’ll be quoted, and the more you’re quoted, the more people will listen. We want to hear you, you just need to give us the justification.
2) Be insane.
Because you are famous, we as a society will let you get away with certain things if you make them entertaining enough. For example, you can get away with endangering your children by dangling them over a ledge or driving with them on your lap, because that’s fun to see. Tax evasion, on the other hand, is boring. We don’t care if you did play Blade, it’s just not entertaining.
Throw a phone at someone, shave your head, make some sort of outrageous claims about the government. Even better, tell people the really, really odd personal habits you have, be they poor hygiene or carrying around a vial of your lover’s blood on a necklace. it’s fun!
It’s easy to act crazy, just ask yourself every morning when you first wake up, what would an NFL wide receiver do?
3) Party a lot.
It’s one of the things we like seeing you do the most. We love hearing about where you go to eat and drink, we like commenting on your evening outfit. We even like blocking the path of your vehicle when you decide to leave the party.
Also, don’t wear underwear. This goes regardless of gender. If you’re a female, we like it when you “accidentally” show us your love box when you’re getting out of the car. If you’re a guy, we like it when you begin stumbling at the end of the night and show off your crack.
Speaking of crack, do you do drugs? You should. We really like hearing about being who are on drugs–even if they aren’t doing much professionally. We can’t even decide if we like watching your career spiral out of control or the redemption stories that surface when you finally try to turn your life around for the 28th time.
4) Adopt children.
We know you think that adopting children from foreign countries you can’t point to on a map is soooo 2004, but you’re wrong. It’s still cool! We love reading the cover stories about how you selected them and how they are fitting in with the rest of your family.
Is that a baby bump? Because we would just love it if you were pregnant. We could look forward to hearing about how the pregancy is progressing, any baby shopping you’re doing, the process of figuring out who the father is, and of course, we would totally be looking forward to hearing the creative and unique name you come up with for your crotch fruit.
May we suggest “Pyongyang?”