How To: Care less

No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?

Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.

But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less.


  • A thing
  • The ability to care
  • The restraint to not do so

1) Care a little.
In order to care less, you have to at least care a little at first, and then gradually allow yourself to care less.

For instance, if you would like to care less about bobby socks, you must first, of course, briefly try wearing them.

2) Find something wrong.
The only problem with caring about something is that it will one day disappear from your life, leaving you a cold shallow husk of the human being you once were.

Sure, bobby socks feel nice. But what happens if you wash them wrong? Will they shrink? Will they become uncomfortable once they’ve worn out? Will they lose that new sock smell?

You’ve been hurt before so you know what to do next.

3) Push it away.
By putting some distance between yourself and this thing you care about, it will affect your life less. Like with chainsaws, the less they can reach you, the less they can hurt you.

So perhaps it’s better not to wear those bobby socks so often. This way, you won’t have to wash them as much, and you’ll experience less pleasurable socks that will provide a nice context.

4) Care less.
After pushing it away so much, you realize you never really needed bobby socks in the first place. In fact, you’re way better off now without them.

Who needs bobby socks–or any socks, for that matter? They just slow your morning down and look stupid with sandals!

Why, you could care less about bobby socks! Congratulations.

5) Inform others.
Now get out there and listen for anyone talking about whatever it is that you no longer care about! Whenever it comes up, be the first to tell them, “I could care less about bobby socks. You’re an idiot for caring at all.”

Why would you read up about something you don’t care about? To test yourself, of course! You have to make sure you know all the latest reasons not to care about it anymore. Reasons, like:

  • They were seen with that person you hate.
  • They said terrible things about you.
  • They were seen with your best friend, even though he or she knows you don’t care about it!
  • They didn’t say anything about you at all.