How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Tools:
-Consistency
-Consistency
-Treats
-Consistency

1) Begin training your man as early as possible.
When it comes to training, you must set an early tone. For instance: if you don’t care about trips to the strip club in the early part of your relationship, it will confuse your man if you put your foot down later. By making your expectations clear from the beginning, you will foster a relationship based on respect and consistency (see Step #4) … or at least let your man know that he should dump you before you move in.

2) Establish a system of rewards and consequences.
Although some trainers are ethically opposed to disciplinary punishments, all agree that rewarding and withholding treats will encourage good behaviors and eventually discourage bad ones.

Some trainers will use food as a reward, which is effective in the short-term, but ignores long-term workarounds like Taco Bell.

Others recommend a system of mutual behavior, like doing the laundry if he mows the lawn. Unfortunately, this system often goes unnoticed by both sides as each wonders if laundry is easier than lawn care.

Many trainers make the mistake of using speech as a reward. This is not a sound theory at all, as most men welcome what you call “the silent treatment” as “peace and quiet.”

The most common and effective reward, as evidenced throughout history, is sex.

3) Start with simple commands, and then build from there.
Like house cats, men can be too intelligent or aloof to simply accept your commands. It’s important to remember that your man makes logical connections based on immediate cause and effect. To teach your man to perform your expected behavior, he has to understand why one action affects the other.

While you may see the logical reasoning that a) breaking a dish means that b) he doesn’t buy you flowers “just because,” men aren’t able to make that connection without context.

In this example, he must know why you think the dish was broken. Your man sees a dish break and attributes it to the following:

Cause: This is a fragile piece of crap, and it wouldn’t slip out of my grip if I didn’t have to wash it.

Effect: We should switch to paper plates or eat over the garbage disposal.

However, you know that the dish broke because of a logical chain of reasoning:

• He didn’t cook dinner, so he had to wash the dishes.
• He didn’t want to cook or wash the dishes, so he did it carelessly.
• His mother also made him do the dishes, so he resents you as he resented her for nagging to him study accounting instead of philosophy.
• Because he obviously resents you, he doesn’t think you deserve flowers.
• But he shouldn’t give you flowers just because he broke something.
• Therefore, if he bought you flowers, he would also see that washing the dishes carefully means that you are not his mother.
• Wait, did he ever buy his mother flowers?
• No, flowers are good.

To help him slowly understand the spiraling depths of your reasoning, he must be introduced to each stage as simply as possible. Begin by introducing a concrete rule with cause and effect: “If I make dinner, then you do the dishes.” The “why” part doesn’t matter, as this will only cause your man to wonder why we use dishes at all and search empty-handedly for a good reason. Build from there into another rule with cause and effect: “If you break something, I want flowers.” The effect satisfies the cause, and the man will perform as necessary to ensure full sexual access.

4) Be consistent.
To maintain consistently satisfactory behavior from your man, you must be consistent in how you address behaviors. This applies to every aspect listed above.

If you inconsistently reward a certain behavior, your man may interpret the cause and effect to be null and void. He won’t buy you flowers after breaking another dish if you let the first one pass.

Also, if you reward a bad behavior once, he will decide that behavior is OK all the time. (Remember that one time you got drunk and consented to a certain act that’s illegal in certain states? You don’t, but he does.)

Remember, behind every bad man is a bad owner.

Image: “Two” by Steve Woods