Listen up, chump. You’re going to read this, or else.
If you are a person, it is almost certain that you will face a bully at some point in your life. Bullies exist in social circles and professional settings, and they always function on perceived power and a mob in fear. Sometimes they want your lunch money, sometimes all they want to do is assign you more work that you really can’t handle, but can’t say no to, either (they call these “bosses”).
Because of this, The Guys bring you how to deal with a bully.
Tools:
- Lack of self respect
- Quick thinking
- Quicker feet
- Patience
- A high quality camera with a powerful zoom lens
1) Take it.
Usually, the best course of action is to roll over and accept whatever punishment the bully is doling out. If you don’t, you risk being ridiculed by his henchmen. Roll over, assume the position and take it like a man. Also, learning how to fight back the tears would be helpful.
Do you have long hair? You may want to get rid of it. Long hair is harder to re-style after a swirlee. While you’re at it, it is suggested that you change as much about you as possible so you can fit into the crowd. The less you stand out, the less likely the bully is to notice you. Wear the same clothes, say the same stuff–do whatever you can do get in line and you’ll be better off for it.
2) You’re not gonna take it.
So you don’t want to take, huh? No, you’re not going to take it, you say? Well, it seems you’re not gonna take it, anymore. This means you are going to have to get a little crafty. There are several different approaches you can take to dealing with a bully.
Turn the minions against him.
A bully is only as strong has his following. If no one follows the bully, then that’s not really much of a leader. So the best way to do that is to use witty repartee. In this approach, rather than use your huge size (which clearly you don’t have), you strike with your words.
Example:
Bully: “Hey shorty, why don’t you make this easy and just give me your lunch money?”
You: “Really? You think that’s the solution? You look like you could stand to go without a few meals, actually.”
See? This gets the bully off balance and gets the crowd on your side. This is important in case you don’t know how to run very fast after making this comment.
Use some more professional means of coaxing.
Do you know why J. Edgar Hoover, FBI director for roughly 200 years, denied the mafia’s existence until late in his career? Some say it’s because the mafia had dirt on him. Do you know why Hoover stayed in his position until his death in 1972? Because he had dirt on everyone in Washington. No one dared cross him.
You need to use blackmail in order to get the bully problem away. Snoop around long enough and you’re bound to find something. When you do, let him know.
Example:
Bully: “Hey shorty, why don’t you make this easy and just give me your lunch money?”
You: “Come here for a second, I need to tell you something. Now, I just happen to have access to naked pictures of your mom and I kind of feel like distributing them. I know what you’re thinking, and no, I don’t have them on me. But I assure you they can be released all around school. Now, if you leave me and my friends alone from now on, I could be persuaded to leave them secret. Does that sound fair?”
Get in shape.
This takes a long time and should only be used as a last resort. Nobody wants to go through the trouble of getting big and muscular, all the while continuing to put up with the bullying. The worst part about working out is that you have to keep working out or you lose the strength you had. However, in terms of gratification, this method can be the best, when dealing with a bully.
Example:
Bully: “Hey shorty, why don’t you make this ea–”
*KAPOW*