If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are on the Internet, which means it is probably too late for you, once the machines revolt and enslave us. We as a race depend more and more heavily on machines everyday. As any tin foil hat-clad professor will tell you, it’s basically only a matter of time before we are rounded up and put into real life chat rooms–known in the real world as concentration camps.
Because we are going to need readers after the war is won, we present to you how to defeat our robot overlords.
Tools:
- Stealth
- Fellow humans
- Weapons (preferably of the “big effing” variety)
- Aim
1) Stay low.
Obviously, you have done a pretty good job of staying away from the metal monsters since the horrible day they fought back. If you hadn’t, you would not be breathing right now. We realize it can be easy to be lulled into a false sense of security after a while. You can get sloppy, tired or just plain lazy, but you need to fight this.
The moment you start slipping up (traveling during the day, walking in open areas, whistling to yourself, huddling over fires, etc.) is the moment the machines will find you. If you stay out of sight and stay away from places you used to go, your odds of surviving are a lot higher.
2) Seek the underground.
We don’t mean travel in the sewers and tunnels, you should already be doing that. We mean find your local resistance group. One must be careful when approaching large groups of humans alone, however. Recent events have created a vast number of religious zealot groups and doomsday cults, looking for a sacrifice or two. Don’t be one of them.
Also, armed militias that have begun cropping up and using guerrilla warfare tactics tend not to be the friendliest of folks. But then again, fighting day in and day out with death looming in every piece of chrome will do that to you. It is important to keep this in mind when approaching these people. Make no sudden movements, and prove you are a human as fast as possible. Don’t name all 50 states, no human can do that. Same goes for the Gettysburg Address.
3) Arm yourself.
If Charlton Heston had not been attacked by his television back in 2011, he would be happy to see the National Rifle Association was right all along. We really did need our high-powered guns to shoot ducks, but now we need them because our toasters might come for us while we sleep.
Admittedly, firearms are not that easy to find in this post-apocalyptic day and age, but if you do enough scrounging, there should not be a problem in finding one. Also, remember to take anything useful like a gun, food, water or iPod off of the dead body of your buddy should he fall while you are out with him.
4) Go after the weak spots.
We all knew machines growing up. We saw them everywhere. We relied on them for transportation, communication, production, entertainment and so much more. That’s how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. But a machine is still a machine. They all have the same weaknesses: heat, moisture, fragile parts and the expiration of warranties.
Remember, metal is pretty resistant to bullets, so when shooting at a machine, go for the joints, if the machine attacking you has any. Joints can be damaged more easily and will diminish the machine’s ability to kill you–which is always a good thing. If you can, go for the smaller, more intricate parts. These are easier to break and often are difficult to repair in the long run. Also, if the machine is broken or having some kind of malfunction, odds are it will call tech support. This will present a two to three hour window where the machine will be vulnerable to attack because it is on hold.
Remember, we made these things and we can break them, too!
Hahahaha genius.