Eventually, somebody somewhere will want to kick your ass. Maybe it’s because you flashed a wad of twenties in New York City, or perhaps because you were sure that rape jokes are always funny (especially if you read this blog regularly). In any case, you need to be prepared to fend off attacks, which is why The Guys will teach you how to defend yourself.
Tools:
- Weights (“How To: Lift weights” recommended)
- Video Rental Account
- Glasses
- Really big friends
- Functioning eyes
1) Work out.
The first step to defending yourself is psychological warfare. People give you a lot of leeway when it comes to public behavior based on your bicep size. Fortunately, we’ve covered this one already. For reference, consult “How To: Lift weights.”
2) Study a martial art.
Sure, you could spend a lot of money to sit in a class with 30 kids with black belts. You could even stick with it, become the next Steven Seagal and register your hands as deadly weapons. But why would you when there are cheaper, quicker and less humiliating options?
Get a Netflix or video rental membership. Now search for any movies starring Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris or Three Ninjas. Practice liberally in your living room.
3) Wear glasses.
Nobody wants to punch a guy with glasses on, but it’s not because they’re probably weaker. No, it’s because punching glasses really, really hurts. Besides, blinding someone with their own Weezer frames is a “Go directly to jail card.”
4) Make really big friends.
You know why there are so few stories about Eddie Murphy getting beaten up in the ‘80s, while Charlie Murphy got harassed by Rick James? Because Eddie had an entourage.
Eddie’s entourage wasn’t just made up of guys that take his picture or pick up girls. There were also very large men to bail him out of potential beat-downs. This was the type of sound-thinking that would take a backseat to decisions like Norbit and Meet the Klumps. Nevertheless, we’re talking about Gumby (dammit!), so let’s just ignore 1989 to the present and learn what we can from him.
This step is critical if you ignored Step 1 or achieved very little results.
5) Scope your surroundings.
OK, it’s go time. You’re at your normal hangout (eating all your cheez friez), but nothing’s happened yet. You know that, at some point, you will cop a feel on somebody’s girlfriend and will have to defend yourself.
It’s time to look for and identify all of the following:
- Escape routes
- Your really big friends
- Potential weapons (Hint: Nacho cheese clogs arteries.)
- People who want to beat you up from last time
Once you’ve appraised the situation, you may commence being an ass.