How To: Develop a conspiracy theory

Did you know that there was/maybe still is a fully-functional Michael Jordan robot? Of course you didn’t, because The Man® doesn’t want you to know The TruthTM!

(Don’t believe them when They say you can’t handle it.)

We can all enjoy a good conspiracy theory like the one I just mentioned, but how do you create and hone your own? And what do you do about all those naysayers and CIA agents that try to discredit you?

To answer these questions and more, keep reading to find out how to develop a conspiracy theory.


  • Open eyes
  • Ability to see through The Man’s lies
  • An undisclosed location
  • A way to get the message out
  • Wikipedia

1) Notice something odd or unsettling.
The problem with conspiracies is that they’re hidden. There are too many people out there who need you dumb and happy so you won’t notice what’s really going on.

So you gotta look around, keep your eyes wide open. When you see something that seems legitimate, but still triggers a gut feeling, then you’re onto something. Maybe something big. (Try as much as They might, They can’t take away our instincts.)

Have you seen those Cuba Gooding, Jr./Michael Jordan Hanes underwear ads? You know the one where Cuba just runs up and hugs Michael despite being told not to? He just can’t resist. It’s just like how kids hug costumed Disney characters.

2) Make the connection.
OK, so your Spidey-sense tingled. Obviously, whatever you saw connects to something deep-seated in your own brain, maybe even something that was extracted when you weren’t paying attention. Do you recall blacking out or borrowing anybody’s pen lately?

So, Michael Jordan is just like a Disney character now. He’s not even a real human being anymore, just a product …

3) Dot those lowercase-I’s.
Yes, good. But dig deeper. Get to the heart of the matter. If one statement is true, then the next 20 statements will be as well. That’s math, and you can’t argue with math.

Disney characters are mostly animated. But the animated Michael Jordan in Space Jam sucked. But Disney’s all about recreating people as robots: every President of the United States, Johnny Depp, even Walt Disney’s body to house his frozen head … basically all the movers and shakers of our society. Why not a Michael Jordan robot?!

4) Prove it.
Every conspiracy theory has been proven. Their proof was just buried by lawsuits, the CIA and un-renewed Web domains. But still, it would be irresponsible to not alert the population, sending them into a panic.

Michael Jordan won three consecutive NBA Championships from 1991-1993. Then, he retired. The seven-time scoring leader, healthy 30-year-old superstar left the game and public eye.

Suddenly, in 1994, he returns to sports, but not to play basketball again. Instead, he plays minor league baseball! He plays well for a year, showing steady improvement.

Then, in 1995, he returns to basketball! He carries the Bulls to the playoffs, but they lose the Eastern Conference match against the Orlando Magic. In fact, Orlando’s Nick Anderson even said that Jordan, “didn’t even look like the old Michael Jordan” [emphasis ours].

Over the next three years, Jordan wins another series of consecutive NBA championships.

My god, it’s as plain as day! Don’t you see?!

5) They don’t see.
You’re gonna have to spell it out a little further. Be patient, though. These sheeple have been led by the nose through the opiate tulips for their entire lives. Heck, some of them might even feign ignorance so they can return to their normal lives.

Bust those doors down. They’ll thank you later.

When Michael Jordan first retired, it was because he was approached by the re-animatronic-ated corpse of Walt Disney. Disney was tired of building robots that looked like people who achieved greatness. Instead, he wanted robots that achieved greatness on their own!

Jordan was also famous for his gambling debts. In 1993, just before he announced his “retirement,” he was caught gambling in Atlantic City, New Jersey before a Knicks game. He later admitted to gambling debts of over $57,000.

So he was ripe for some Disney bucks. He got the dough, and Disney got to use Jordan’s likeness to create the greatest robot ever seen!

Now do you see?!?!

6) Bring it home for them.
This is the big flourish, what magicians call the prestige (which was the first movie brave enough to reveal the conspiracy to silence Nikola Tesla). You are about to send your readers into the streets to riot.

Tomorrow, there will be a new government in the White House. Make this good, and Dr. Ron Paul might hand-select you as his rightful Vice President.

So, Walt Disney created his Michael Jordan robot. The next year, he tested it out in baseball, which was perfect because it’s a slower game with a lot of standing around. After working out the kinks of basic athleticism, the Michael Jordan robot was redeployed, this time back to the NBA.

The robot played under the number 45 — not because the number 23 was “retired” when Jordan “left” basketball — but so the Disney Imagineers could compare highlights footage to the flesh-and-blood Michael Jordan of 1993.

From 1996-1999, they got the formula just right and repeated Jordan’s biggest achievement: three consecutive NBA titles by a non-biological player.

7) And now, the epilogue.
At this point, some questions will come up. Well, your readers will call them questions. We call them what they really are: attempts to undermine your authority and destroy your credibility. To show that they haven’t done their homework, continue the story to the modern day.

The Michael Jordan robot was retired in 1999 with no one the wiser … except Michael. He resented selling his likeness to a soul-less machine.

He was inspired by the events on 9/11 (not knowing that this was a government conspiracy) to give Disney back his money and play basketball as himself, this time with the Washington Wizards in 2001. Unfortunately, this Michael Jordan was an aging, though still in-shape, human being. Due to injuries, he was only able to play until 2003.

Today, he plays all of his sports himself (mostly golf). The robot, however, continues to hog the limelight. You see, part of the deal was that Disney also got Michael Jordan’s endorsement contracts! Walt Disney is biding his time, using his Michael Jordan/Hanes money to perfect his own robot body … on which he will conquer the rest of Florida.

All research for this theory consisted of reading Michael Jordan’s Wikipedia page. Oh, and while we were there, we also looked up how to spell Nikola Tesla’s name.

One thought on “How To: Develop a conspiracy theory”

  1. The robot played under the number 45 — not because the number 23 was “retired” when Jordan “left” basketball — but so the Disney Imagineers could compare highlights footage to the flesh-and-blood Michael Jordan of 1993.

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