How To: Eat a hot dog respectably

As we get closer to summer, there is a threat looming on the horizon: barbeques. More specifically, we are referring to eating hot dogs in public. During the winter months, The Guys dine in solitude, devouring anything microwavable, safe from the prying eyes of people at parks.

But with the rapid approach of Memorial Day, our nation will be faced with a question that fills our hearts with dread: “Burger or dog?” Sure, the burger’s the safe choice, but sometimes they run out of burgers or the jerk wearing the “World’s Greatest Chef” apron only cooks them well done.

So, how do you eat a hot dog respectably without looking like Linda Lovelace? In other words, what separates how you eat a hot dog from a “not dog.” That’s the subject of this week’s How To.

Tools:

• Teeth
• Big bread
• A sense of proportion
• Fork and knife

1) Use your teeth.
The problem with eating a hot dog doesn’t lie in just its Freudian shape. There’s also the shape your mouth makes when inserting savoring eating it.

To dispel any doubt that you are merely enjoying a tasty beef log, you need to show your teeth. Let any horny gawkers know that, if they think you’re flirting, you’re really just hungry. Rip into that bad boy with your incisors and chew with your mouth open, just so anyone watching can you that you’re grinding it to a pulp with your molars before swallowing the mushy remains.

If you get any mustard on your face, don’t – for the love of god – lick it off.

2) Keep it in the buns.
The Guys like to think we’ve seen it all when it comes to the Internet, but we’re pretty sure that “not dogs” don’t come aren’t served in buns bread.

To maintain your cover, space your bites so that there is always an equal ration of bun to hot dog in your hand.

3) More is more.
One of the main differences between hot dogs and “not dogs” is that you can pile more hot dogs onto a plate than you could ever handle in real life. So long as you maintain more than two hot dogs on your plate, you’ve made it clear that you are not intimately involved with any of them.

4) Slice that puppy up and skewer it.
This tip hint was submitted by Lorena B. of Manassas, Virginia.

“I was often forced to [eat John’s hot dog] when I did not wish to. He would make me do it anyway, calling me bad names like ‘slut’ or ‘whore.’ So I cut it [up]. I cut [up] his [hot dog] and threw it into a field.”

For the record, no one has thought suggestively about Lorena eating a hot dog ever since.