You may not have heard, but tomorrow they are holding the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that there will be all kinds of fun sports to watch, like people running, people running and jumping, and people running, jumping and dunking. But since the Olympics only come every couple years (by our count), you may be out of practice. This might make you sad or afraid. Fear not, The Guys are here to show you how to enjoy the Olympics.
Tools:
- Money
- A good pair of ear plugs
- Megaphone
- Lack of confidence
1) Buy a globe.
It has probably been a few years since your last geography course, so as the Olympics wear on, a three-dimensional guide to Mother Earth might come in handy. You can learn fun and excited new things with a globe. Did you know that France and Italy share a border, or that the capital of Mexico is Mexico City?
2) Avoid all media coverage. (This step has been brought to you by the nice folks at NBC Universal.)
Now that you have that globe in your possession, you may notice that Beijing is in China. You may also notice that there is a big line going through the Pacific Ocean. (It’s real, you can actually see it from the sky.) That line basically means that Beijing is a day head of us, which means you will wake up and the day’s sporting events have already taken place. However, the coverage of men’s freestyle backstroke, or whatever they are calling it these days, will not air until you are eating dinner.
Surprisingly enough, the answer here is not to eat dinner earlier. The answer is to avoid any and all media coverage all day long. Unplug your television, turn off your car radio, keep your Internet on SG. You might even want to read a book. The media will be dying to spoil the results for you without even the requisite “Spoiler Alert!” notification. This also means that as you read this, the Olympics have already started.
3) Create some chants.
These people are representing our country on the international stage, we need to show them our support. In order to do so, it is necessary to cheer at your television, much in the way you would a football team.
Here is a template:
“Hey, [athlete’s name], you are really [rhyme with athlete’s last name].”
Try it with James Krumpholz, Dana Sensenig and Taylor Teagarden!
4) Prepare for some heartbreak.
Despite the fact that we are the U.S. of A., we cannot win every event, simply because the Chinese have the whole thing rigged. (Just kidding! They are only illegally doping their athletes to bring their government glory.) We will no doubt win some, but not all. And that means that we are going to lose a few events here and there.
Remember when the bad men from the U.S. basketball team broke your heart the last time we had the summer Olympics in 2004? We only got bronze! We invented that sport, and we lost. Just act like that kind of a thing will probably happen again and you will be just fine. Take alcohol as needed.