Image: “I am watching you …” by Denise Yap
According to Cole Porter (and to a lesser extent, Tank Girl), birds do it, bees do it, even hippopotami do it; let’s do it: here’s how to fall in love!
Tools:
- Library of romantic-comedy DVDs
- Tape recorder
- Baking pans
- Passing credit score
1) Go on some dates.
In order to initiate the plunge into love, some dates are required. Based on our research of rom-coms (romantic comedies to the mercifully uninitiated), these must be equal parts childlike and elderly. We recommend a 1:1 ratio of each:
|
Childlike Dates |
Elderly Dates |
| Play some skiball at a boardwalk arcade. | Go to a club and whine about “modern music.” |
| Play some mini-golf. | Put on a tie and eat at a country club. |
| Go bowling. | Go bowling. |
| Get busy like rock stars in a hotel room. | Fall asleep watching Nick-at-Nite. |
| Go to an old school candy shoppe (you know, with the barrels and scoops) and just pig out! | Floss |
Rom-coms also dictate that all of these dates must be completed in a five-minute period with a song playing throughout.
2) Stalk Do crazy romantic things.
There’s a fine line between being a stalker and romantic. If you’ve done step one a few times first, then you’re romantic. If you’ve skipped ahead like the smart kid in the front of the class to this step, then you’re a stalker.
Either way, you’re on your way to falling in love, though one ends in regulated sex and the other in a restraining order.
Crazy romantic things include, but are not limited to:
- Making mix tapes
- Baking erotically-shaped cookies
- Dressing like your interest, including wig and make-up
- Surprise blindfolded road trips (riding in the trunk optional)
3) Make a stupidly extravagant purchase.
If you weren’t in the right mindset already, nothing commits you to the long-haul like debt! While some people buy expensive jewels or custom tattoos, these still have resell value. (Coming soon: How to sell flaps of your own tattooed skin!)
No, you need to make a purchase that shows you’re a provider and can pass an extensive credit check. This blog recommends a house, automobile, boat, private jet or racehorse.
4) Evaluate your options.
Now that you’ve gone on some dates, acted like a baboon in heat and hired someone to scrape the barnacles off of the Amanda II, it’s time to decide if there’s anyone else you’d rather be with.
Think about all the people you’ve been with before, including Amanda I. Then consider all the people that might’ve flirted with you at work, but you didn’t realize it until you stopped staring at her panty lines. Finally, are there any celebrities that are more than six degrees separated from you, so you still got a shot?
If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, don’t worry: you might be in love. You’ll just have to repeat steps 1-4 on the side.
Amazingly, I had Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” stuck in my head while reading this.
And now it’s stuck in mine. Thanks a heap, whore.