How To: Find a new home

Are you panicking yet? You should be, because that’s what everyone else is doing. The government is buying out banks and other crap we don’t really understand, the stock market is jerking back and forth worse than Any Winehouse in rehab, and worst of all, executives are going on spa vacations! It’s a regular economic crisis.

If you own a home you bought in the past decade, odds are a lot of this problem has been caused by YOU. Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk. However, it is not just your fault for getting a crappy home loan, it is also the crappy loan company’s fault for giving you a crappy loan, and the crappy bank’s fault for buying the crappy loan.

Still awake?

Good, because what all this means is that you are getting evicted because the banks think you are freeloading and they are sick and tired of you middle class people thinking you can own things. So now that you’re out of a place to live, The Guys present how to find a new home.

Tools:

  • Money (not that you had much anyway)
  • Friend (one or more)
  • Excellent scavenging skills
  • Knowledge of self-defense

1) Find an apartment.
Pro: These are good because you don’t actually have to own anything, you just have to be able to pay a fixed amount forever and ever without seeing any of that money back. It works because whoever owns the place is responsible for the maintenance of the building. That means your wild house party? Well, actually you still have to clean that up, but if a pipe leaks, it’s not on you.

Con: The downside, of course, is you need to have a roommate in most cases, sometimes more than one. Roommates are annoying, and it has been scientifically proven that your roommate lives for nothing but to annoy you. Why the hell does he leave his socks lying around, anyway? That’s it, I’ve had it with this jerk.

2) Find a friend.
Pro: If you are like most people, you have a friend. If you don’t have a friend, you should not be reading this. In fact, you should go outside and hug people at random. That’s called making friends.

Most friends will have a house or a condominium or an apartment. This is important, because these are three of the places in the U.S. where you are most likely to find a couch. The best part about this one is that you can be really vague about when you are finding your own place and moving out. Until then, you’re rent-free, baby! On top of that, you get free meals, assuming your friend cooks.

Con: It’s a couch. We all know couches are nice to nap upon, but you know why you wake up a couple hours later? You’re uncomfortable. It’s that damn spring sticking into your back, or the fact that you don’t have enough room to spread out. It may even be that you keep rolling off of it. These things don’t change when you go to sleep at night. In fact, they get worse because you have to fall back asleep and try not to think of how many times your friend has copulated with a young lady on that couch. Yeesh.

3) Find a box.
Pro: Cheap and easy to find, plus you have the pride of ownership. A lot of people will tell you that living in a cardboard box is what most people do when they are homele–err, in between living arrangements. In reality, cardboard is not all that dependable. When it rains, it gets all damp and moldy, which just might kill you. You should instead try to find something more along the lines of a makeshift tent. Take some plastic bags, a few sticks, maybe even some sheet metal for flooring. There, look at you, you’re camping for as long as you want!

Con: These are always succeptable to wind, and a lot of times, living arrangements lack essentials like electricity, indoor plumbing and wireless Internet. On top of that, there is no lock on the door, assuming you have a flap you are using for a door. This makes it very easy for some random crazy person to come along and kill you, or for teenagers to bribe you into fighting one of your new neighbors who lives in a similar establishment.