Tough times are hitting everyone, even politicians. What, you thought they had it easy since all they do to get a job is get elected? Friend, how wrong you are. Between the late night gab sessions at their congressional sleepovers and baby-kissing, it’s a cutthroat world that they work in. You’ve got to find a bill that you can attach yourself to quickly in the hopes that it can somehow validate what your voters did for you, and there are only so many scapegoats that you can create as villains. With that said, here’s a quick study to help you out, all based off of West Virginia’s State Delegate Jeff Eldridge:
1. Find an easy target. Maybe you married an all right (aesthetically) woman from high school and your kids will now never win a beauty pageant. Perhaps you were told that you’d never be an astronaut, just a house maker. Who cares, right? It’s time to select that scapegoat and ride it to the pony! Using Eldridge as our example, we suggest you use Barbie. Yes, the plastic doll. She’s such a harlot.
2. Nail all the easy points regarding how evil your scapegoat is. Again, using Eldridge as our example, remember to say such points like:
“I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful and you don’t have to be smart,” Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.
It’s strongly recommended that you avoid or glaze over real points regarding your actions, such as how this could actually be good for stimulating our economy when you’re asking for the outright ban of one of the most profitable toys of all time. Or, you know, why the use of government is needed to regulate a child’s doll. Or, what you can do to get jobs to your state.
3. ??????
4. Profit (and by profit, we mean get reelected).
Is the Esteemed State Delegate aware that dolls do not exhibit intelligence because they’re inanimate?
The more important question, really, is: why do you support letting your children play with slaves, Delegate Eldridge?