The trees are budding, the temperatures are rising and the birds are singing. This can mean one of two things: 1) you are fighting off a delusional fever or 2) it’s spring time. For argument’s sake, let’s go with the latter on this one.
Because it’s spring time, you have probably realized that it’s time to shed your winter coat of blubber that has kept you warm all winter and helped you save money on the heating bill. The Guys are fitness buffs, as we have shown already. So now we are here to show you how to get in shape.
Tools:
- A gut
- Standing structure providing privacy
- Nintendo Wii
1) Stay inside.
Let’s face it, the outdoors are just plain scary, and studies have shown your odds of getting hit by a car quadruple when you step out your front door. So if at all possible, just stay inside to do your workout. This does not include a gym, because you have to drive to those, and let’s face it, no one really uses their Bowflex.
There is a new solution headed your way soon, America: Wii Fitness. No longer will you be forced to see that ugly sunlight during your routine. And just think of all the time you will save by not having to put clothes on. Then again, let’s not think about that.
2) Be the board.
If you buy Wii Fitness, you will get a board thingy on which you can balance. It doubles as a scale, and should your Wii break, a doormat.
The balance board thing is essential to the game. You jump side to side, run in place, kick things, do weird strength exercises and even just see if you can balance there. Sure, all of these things you could do outside, but why would you want to, when you can be inside playing a game that measures your BMI?
3) Go outside.
OK, tubby, you are looking a bit better and feeling a lot better about yourself. It may be advisable for you to get outside because this allows you to property digest your food, get a tan and meet womens.
The key here is to go outside and do some sort of exercise that can or at one time was primarily used as a form of transportation. This includes running, bicycling, skiing and rollerblading. (Years ago, scientists found evidence that rollerblades were the main form or transportation for ancient Greeks.) Horseback riding does not count as exercise unless you are the horse.
It is recommended that once you are outside doing your chosen exercise, that you wear as little clothing as possible, unless you are really, really hairy. Exposing skin will help keep you cool and increase your chances of attracting the opposite sex.
After you’re done, be sure to treat yourself to a nice healthy, 24 oz. steak and a 12 pack of beer. You’ll be looking good for the beach in no time!