How To: Get married

We’ve provided several How Tos on how to get into a relationship. This isn’t one of those.

No, this How To is about making the whole ordeal much, much easier. At some point, you’re going to consider taking the plunge, whether it’s a matter of financial security, citizenship, wanting to breed or the government finally said it’s OK. (Keep your chins up, robo sapiens!)

That is why The Guys sat down and drafted this handy guide that explains how to get married.

Tools:

1) Turn all planning over to your parents.
Let’s get one simple fact out of the way: your parents hate your idea of marriage. Maybe they don’t like you or your spouse-to-be. Perhaps they’ve always doubted your judgment since you came home with that giant tattoo of the lead singer of The Darkness. More likely, they know that their parents will be there and remember every issue that came up when they got married.

Just let them do the planning. They’ll gripe about your laziness, but if they were really serious, they wouldn’t have finished the basement for when you graduated. One half-hazard fight about laziness is much better than 300 genuine arguments about music, churches, guest lists, dresses and alcohol.

They might not thank you, but they’ll be relieved when it goes over without any groomsmen mosh pits.

*Remember: anyone who says that the wedding is all about the bride is either a liar, divorce attourney or married an orphan.

2) Lie, lie, lie.
OK, so you’re stuck with a religious ceremony because your parents did the planning. “Boo hoo,” you sniffle. “I’m not a very good <insert religion here>.”

So what? You only have to be a good Catholic/Buddhist/Hebrew/bar punchline through the wedding. Once it’s all said and I-done, there aren’t marriage police to check up on your child-raising. Well, unless you send them to school with lice.

Lie, sucker. You love your religion. Your kids, the first of which is due nine months from your wedding night, will be there every weekend. You’ve been dying to make jumbo batches of Rice Crispee treats for bake sales. Birth control is an abomination. Say it all. Avoid any involuntary winking or elbow nudges.

3) Write each other’s vows.
Now that everyone is a writer (thanks, Blogger), you’re kind of expected to write your own vow. One person will suggest it because they think it makes the ceremony-a petrified rote of 2000 or so years-personal.

Though they may not realize it, this is not the case. The marriage ceremony is based less on love and the individuals than it is an oral contract that originates from the illiterate Middle Ages. Next time you try to finance a home or car, try bringing your own written contract to the bank and ask if they can paste your “promises” into the fine text. Not only will you find yourself homeless and/or carless, but you’ll be the laughing stock of your town’s financial system.

So really, personal vows are a proposal. Nobody verbally signs the contract until everybody agrees to each other’s terms. Cut out all the guesswork and write each other’s vows.

And make them honest, because you’re responsible for your happiness now. If you really expect sex twice a week, this is the time to pipe up. If you expect your spouse to forfeit her election votes to your discretion, you can’t spring this on her after the fact. Settle who gets whose tubes tied or snipped now before you’re stuck in a plot from Home Improvement or Roseanne.

As a precaution, you might not want to get drunk until the reception. A clear head will avoid promising to rub your spouses feet when they’re having an “ugh” day.

4) Learn to dance.
Let it be known that The Guys will cut corners as much as possible. Just read our previous How To on this subject.

5) Provide ample opportunities for your guests to get plowed.
You can’t stifle criticism from more cynical guests, but you can make them look ridiculous when they get pissed off. Serve plenty of booze before, during and after the ceremony. (This is much easier at a Catholic wedding.)

If all goes well, they won’t even remember the wedding, so that’s less “thank you” cards to fill out.