Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.
In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.
But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?
Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president.
Tools:
- Transdimensional wormhole
- Discretion
- Characterometer
- Horrible, filthy, god-forsaken jokes
- AM radio studio
- Old repertoire of Bush jokes
1) Pretend you live in an alternate universe where McCain won.
Did you know there are physicists who believe that we exist in several universes, based on our decisions and random chance?
If that’s the case, then there is a universe where enough voters decided to vote for John McCain and his running mate, alternative universe Al Franken. Let the old white man jokes commence!
2) Avoid certain topics.
We’re not saying it’s inherently racist to joke about our first black president. There are just a few topics you should avoid:
- Race
- Food
- People he looks like
- Music
- Religion
- Politics
- Africa
- Samuel L. Jackson impersonations
Basically, you can joke about Barack Obama so long as you joke about the content of his character … which is that of a politician.
3) Frame the Obama joke in between worse ones.
There’s only one way to make sure nobody notices your Obama jokes: tell them in between two even worse jokes.
You know that A-material you’ve been saving about all Asians looking like “retarded Puerto Ricans” and why AIDS was the worst government conspiracy ever because “straight white men catch it, too?” This is the time for those jokes.
Just remember to throw the Obama joke somewhere in the middle. Every critic frames your act with the first and last joke.
4) Become an AM talk radio host.
Conservatives love the “good old days” so much that they still haven’t upgraded to the stereo FM frequency. Aside from nostalgia, monotone AM enables the listener to block all sound from left speakers.
As the host of an AM talk radio host, you can say whatever you want about “Demoncrat” presidents because liberals only listen to NPR, which is where they find out about cultural issues that don’t affect them.
5) Just keep joking about Bush.
Unless he commits suicide, they’ll still work. They’ll be dated, but they won’t require an apology to Jesse Jackson. It worked for Clinton jokes during Bush’s early years.
i’ll go with #5, Bob.
[One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. What don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”]