Chances are that, if you’re reading this Web site, then you are a big shot. We like to think we cater SeriouslyGuys to all you captains (and captainesses) of industry with our extravagant Google Ads and polo shirts.
But you’ve been collecting a lot of chickens the past ten years, so they’re about set to roost. We’re not going to say any dirty bourgeoisie words like “recession.” We’ll just say times will be tough for people not as skilled as you. When that time comes, you will need to know how to lay off an employee.
Tools:
- Math
- Windows 3.x or more recent
- Magnanimity
- Witnesses
- A second fiddle or candy lady
- Carpool
1) Determine how many people you need to lay off.
First, figure out how much your company makes. Then, figure how much you will earn with a 10 percent raise. You can now estimate how many people to lay off.
2) Identify the dead weight.
You can’t just lay off someone at random. Well, you can, but what if you still need an accountant?
You could hire a couple of consultants to interview everyone, but we’re positive that all of your coworkers have seen Office Space at least once (probably at one of those Happy Hours you’re never invited to). They’ll all know to inflate their responsibilities, so you’ll still have to pick random lay-offs.
No, you’ll need to trick them with a Minesweeper Tournament. Nobody plays Minesweeper at home, so the best players in your office are also the least productive.
3) Severance packages are demeaning.
Look, you’re already sending this person home with no job, where they will most likely be divorced and/or commit a murder/suicide. If you want to do this financial drain a favor, let them go with dignity.
Don’t offer them a handout like a month’s wages or continuing healthcare. You saw their Minesweeper score: maybe they should join the military.
4) Do it in front of everyone.
As briefly alluded to in step 3, this is an emotionally volatile situation. The last thing you want is to be alone with this person. That just makes all the news quotes begin, “He was last seen walking into the conference room …”
Instead, hold the announcement in front of the entire office where the unlucky SOB will be surrounded by witnesses supporters. If the laid off individual gets angry, the rest of the herd will turn on him to prove they are still useful around the office.
5) Do it like the varsity squad.
If the person you’re going to lay off is particularly scary, then have your second-in-command post a roster at the end of the day. (Unless your second-in-command is being laid off, in which case you would use the person that everybody likes. We call ours “Chugs.”)
The poster’s job is simple. They hang it up on the wall, announce that the new roster is up and “if you’re on there, you’re on the team.” Then they ruefully shake their head, spit a sunflower seed and saunter back into the break room.
6) Carpool to work that day.
The last thing you need is for your Miata to be in the parking lot.