Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.
(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)
The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.
So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity.
- Basic Cable
- Word Processor
- A desperate need for attention
1) Familiarize yourself with the deceased’s body of work.
Unless Paris Hilton dies next week, a mourned celebrity is somebody who has done something to be famous. To properly mourn this person, you need to at least vaguely know who they are. Try keeping up with some gossip rag, like TMZ, Perez Hilton or Fox News.
This way, when someone says, “Hey, did you hear? Mary Steenburgen died,” you can say, “Really? I loved her in Back to the Future Part III.”
2) Do more homework.
Now that you know that someone famous has died, start scouring the Internet for information. If only there were some Web site that collected all kinds of information about any useless topic ever …
… where fanboys could submit and verify the latest up-to-date information …
… that includes links to other pages about the useless topic …
3) Write a eulogy.
Here’s the tricky part. Now you have to pay a service to the fans.
No, that’s not a typo. The fans are the only ones reading this, judging you. The deceased doesn’t care because they’re dead. Their family doesn’t care because they’re either planning the funeral or making a list of things to buy with the inheritance.
Fortunately, you already did your Internet research, so you officially know the celebrity as much as your readers do.
4) Draw as much attention to yourself as possible.
Alright: eulogy’s done. Now it’s time to rake in those sweet, sweet condolences. But in order to get condolences, people have to know you’re sad about a total stranger. Try any or all of the following:
- Bring up the dead person up as much as possible, but innocuously. Try something like, “Man, I was watching Cocoon last night. You know, because it was Wilford’s tour de force before he … you know.”
- Wear a t-shirt with their picture on it. Stare at this picture on your chest as much as possible.
- Get a tattoo and bring up how much it hurts, but “not as much as knowing that Manilow will never sing ‘Mandy’ again.”
- Get visibly upset any time someone mentions the dead celebrity. But don’t say anything; just let your eyes well up with tears, and then walk away. Someone else will explain in hushed tones, “She was saving herself for Gore Vidal.”
- Attack anyone who dares to make a joke about the dead. That’s disrespectful. Thomas Kinkade changed your life (and art) and everyone’s gonna know about it. Remember, he’s probably looking at someone more interesting from Hell right now, so make it good.
- Is it too late to mention finally embracing necrophilia and webcams?
- Write an offensive blog post about dead celebrities that guarantees to offend other fans, and then wrap it up with a joke admitting this was done on purpose.