How To: Recover from a sports injury

The Guys would like to dedicate this How To to our good friend Tom Brady, who was injured not yet a week ago. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Tom. You’re a god amongst men. If you follow our advice, we will see you on the road to the Super Bowl next season.

Injuries are pretty common in your sport. Take Jimmy, your good buddy. He messed his shoulder up on that dive the other day. Who knew you even needed to dive in golf, anyway? Regardless of what sport you play, something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong. When that happens, it’s up to you to make sure you don’t end up horribly disfigured (or at least more than you are already). That’s why we are here to tell you how to recover from a sports injury.

Tools:

  • Pain somewhere on body
  • A backside
  • Remote control

1) Wave to the trainers.
You know those guys who walk around all day carrying towels and shoving water bottles in your face? It turns out they do more than just give you a post-game rub-down. These be-jumpsuited masseuses also deal with injured players. Having them come over to you is the first step to recovery, because you have admitted you have a problem, and that problem is that you may or may not be able to feel your legs.

They are also able to wave over more people, like people with medical tape and a board to strap you to. This may give you the sensation of pig about to be roasted, but trust us: they won’t roast you. No, they will rip off your pads, poke and prod you, but there will likely be no roasting involved. The most important part of this stage is that they load you up with drugs. What’s better is that you are still technically getting paid, and you probably have not been stoned on the clock since high school.

2) Rest up.
There are probably going to be a lot of reporters trying to score an interview with you, and a bunch of doctors asking you questions like “How many fingers am I holding up?” or “Can you feel how many fingers I am holding up?” The best bet is to just avoid all of this and answer as few questions as possible.

This might be a good time to sleep. It might also be a good time to count the dots in the ceiling tiles over your bed. If you are really, really bored, you can always play yourself in whatever professional sports game you are in. If you get injured in that, too, you may want to think about retirement.

3) Enjoy your down time.
Now that you’re at home in your multi-million dollar mansion, it is time to get acquainted with the couch. It’s a good time to watch all those commercials you filmed that will not be aired until you recover. You can even start catching up with friends while politely turning them down when they ask for tickets to the next game.

Remember you were meaning to read War and Peace? Well gimpy, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon. You might as well have your assistant pick up a copy of it while she is out getting you your double iced mochachino, too. Balance your checkbook, organize your stocks and bonds. Paint that abstract painting you dreamt about last night. The world is yours because you can’t go anywhere.

4) Rehab.
No, we are not talking about getting clean, this is getting back on your feet. It’s time take a dip into the world of sadomasochism with your physical therapist. Remember, the more it hurts, the better it will feel. You need to push yourself in order to get your body properly healed. This means getting those joints and muscles working again.

Of course, it is your physical therapist’s job to make it as painful as possible. You may want to invest in a pair of chaps.