How To: Stay healthy

Remember lunch time as kid, when your parents would tell you to eat the crust of your sandwich, because it was “good for your teeth?” Or how about when they told you an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or the so-called experts, who can’t decide if eggs are good or bad for you? What a bunch of crap you’ve been fed all your life.

Now it’s time to set the record straight. Here are some simple tips to help you stay healthy and save money from expensive visits to the doctor’s office. Here’s how to stay healthy.


  • Cookies
  • Internet access (if you are reading this you already have it)
  • Couch
  • Flask

1) Eat cookies.
We know what you’re thinking, “But Guys, aren’t cookies loaded with sugar, thus unhealthy?” Oh, how years of poor nutrition have damaged your poor brain. To stay healthy, you must follow one of the most basic tenets of health: pooping. If you poop a lot, you are passing things out of your body faster. No one’s going to be shoving a hose up your rear end any time soon! This is also why chain smoking is so highly recommended by Phillip Morris-funded medical studies.

To keep the fudge moving, you need to eat oatmeal cookies. Oatmeal is healthy for you, so anything with oatmeal in it must also be good for you, right? The grain helps you get more fiber into your diet, and it makes a great way to start your day. This is the main reason why chocolate chip oatmeal cookies are the fastest growing breakfast food in the country. Don’t look it up. We know what we’re talking about.

Don’t feel like making your own cookies? No problem! Just take a bunch of your favorite store-bought or Girl Scout-hawked cookies and dump some oatmeal on them. Have it with a cup of coffee You’ll be running to the bathroom in no time.

2) Be a DIYer.
Who needs a real doctor when you have an Internet connection? Primarily, so you can ask your friends for their expert medical advice. (“Hey Bill, get on the webcam! Do these look like hemorrhoids to you?”)

If you don’t own a webcam, don’t worry. There are plenty of medical reference sites on the World Wide Series of Tubes. The most common of which is WebMD. Here, any hypochondriac can find out the frightening information a “medical professional” would say you don’t have, but you know better.

For example, let’s say your stomach hurts. Could it be that Indian food you had for dinner? Nah. It’s probably a) irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) b) potentially lethal food poisoning c) pregnancy d) the flu or e) a slight case of an undescended testicle. Good thing you logged on, mister, now you can start planning the baby shower.

3) Don’t exercise.
Let’s face it: every time you move, you could injure yourself. You could pull a muscle, tear a ligament or break a bone. At the very least, you are working yourself closer to arthritis. Physical activity increases the chances of all of these things. So sit back and relax with a controlled resting heart rate, your parts will last longer that way. After all, it’s not like they are under warranty.

4) Carry alcohol at all times.
What’s NyQuil? If you said, “alcohol readily available to those under the age of 21,” you’re right! Many people take NyQuil even when they have no cold. They do this because it gets you drunk and knocks you the hell out. If you are asleep then the germs can’t come for you. Everyone knows germs are afraid of the dark.

More importantly, alcohol kills germs. Next time you clean off your kitchen counter, skip the Windex and break out the whiskey. Not only will it kill any bacteria on your counter, it will leave your kitchen with a scent that brings you back to your college days.

One should always carry a flask on them, because germs are everywhere, and you don’t know when they might need killing. That doorknob in the office? The toilet seat? The keyboard right in front of you? They’re all loaded with germs. What do these things have in common? You touch them with your hands (aside from the toilet seat, if you touch that with your hands, you may need to learn how to use a toilet, but that’s for another day) . So after coming in contact with these surfaces, break open the flask and dump some liquor on your hands to sanitize them. Better take a swig, too. You may have accidentally ingested some germs. Take that, E. coli!