History teaches us all something very important: monsters are out there and they will kill you. Wait, wasn’t it history that said there were dragons flying around and sea monsters at the ends of the Earth?
Maybe it’s Hollywood. Yes, Hollywood teaches us that monsters are out there and they will kill you. Take Cloverfield for example, something attacks New York and you get to see it firsthand through a herky-jerky hand held camera. This is not just entertainment, this is a cautionary tale. You can trust Hollywood, when have they ever lied to you? All they have ever done is make you laugh, cry and become infatuated with organized crime. That’s not wrong, is it?
Because the threat of monsters is ever-present, The Guys bring you this survival guide in case the worst should happen, and by the worst, we mean something large, green and ugly stumbles into town asking about you.
Tools:
-Map
-Cell phone
-Cash for subway fare
-Appropriate dress
1) Don’t live in a populated area.
It’s time to think like a monster. If you were just spawned, where would you want to head to? That’s right, population centers. First off, it’s fun to watch hordes of people scurry and flee as you squash them like ants. Besides, that’s where all the tall buildings are. Those are always fun to climb and/or knock down.
Also, you want to avoid living in a city with a harbor or port. We realize this severely limits options the municipalities, but it is very necessary. Think about it, monsters are very fond of entering city limits by way of the harbor. This is primarily because swimming under water makes it easier to avoid detection and the slow walk on to land makes for a really cool wide angle shot. On some rare occasions, the monsters are transported or stow away on freight ships. This is why it is important to not have a port nearby.
Additionally, you want to avoid places powered by nuclear plants and former nuclear weapons testing areas. This should be a no-brainer anyway. Radiation always increases the chances of something growing to an unusually large size and with an ill manner about it. Why do you think Japan keeps getting attacked?
2) Have an escape plan.
Let’s say a monster has come to your hometown. Do you know what you’re going to do? Go out tonight a buy a map, layout how you plan to escape from your normal hangouts (home, office, gym, etc.) from each location. Have at least one backup plan for each, because you never know which way the monster will head.
It’s recommended to avoid driving, as major thoroughfares are always the first things to clog in the event of a monster attack. If at all possible, take the subway or light rail, and if you have a friend who owns a helicopter, have him over for dinner sometime soon.
Also remember you need to let your loved ones know about your plan. Designate a meeting place, so should they survive you can be reunited with them and figure out where to scamper off to next.
3) Get into survival mode.
So Mr. Monster is strolling down the street toward you. What should you do? Well, first off, don’t point at the monster and say, “Look, it’s [monster’s name]!” That does mostly nothing but waste time, and you do not want to have a degree of familiarity with the monster, he will likely ask to crash at your place if you get too close.
If your cell phone works, and likely it won’t, call the National Guard, particularly the air units. If this thing is going to be defeated, it is air power that will bring it down. When the National Guard rolls in with their tanks, get away as fast as possible. This is a common mistake, because people think the National Guard will keep them safe. In fact, they do nothing but draw attention to themselves while inflicting little actual damage.
Make sure to run with the crowd. Pretend it’s Pamplona and rather than a 500-foot tall monster behind you, it’s a bunch of bulls. If you don’t run with the crowd, you will likely be trampled by the stampede, or worse, gored by a bull.
Grab whatever you can around you to use as a weapon–not against the monster, but your fellow humans. When monsters invade cities, a riot mentality normally breaks out. You need to be prepared for it. As you look around for weapons, look for food and water, because you never know when your next meal will be, or if ever again you will have water safe to drink. Make sure you have gear weather appropriate as well. If it is cold, find a jacket, raining, an umbrella, hot, some sunglasses.
It is important to remain in a relative state of calm. With so many people around you panicking and the world likely coming to an end, it can be easy to lose one’s grip. The adrenaline of the panic will help you operate and think better, but without staying calm, you could end up just another screaming idiot headed for certain doom. Keep your wits and you just might make it through.