Economic wonks will tell you that a recession is two consecutive quarters of economic downturn, which technically, we haven’t had (at least until the reports are in in a few weeks). But we all know times are hard, and that is something we do not need to wait for. You are tired of paying so much for gas, you are tired of being jerked around by bill collectors and you are tired because you did not sleep very well after you got home from your third job.
Because of this, and our ongoing coverage telling you how to escape economic hardship, The Guys present how to survive a recession.
Tools:
- A job
- A few days to wait
- Clean background
- Lucky shrunken head
- Credit card
1) Try not to get fired.
Sure, maybe your boss is a pain and you do not like how he leers at your wife at company functions, but he is not a bad guy. More importantly, he is the one who will decide if you have income for the near future. Try to remain on his good side. The best way to do this is the old way: give him meat.
This goes back to our most primal pack instincts, you can see it in wolves, sharks, palm trees and other pack hunters today. The alpha male gets the most meat. The best way to let your boss know he or she is the alpha male is to go to your local grocery store, get a nice, raw ribeye steak, take it out of the packaging, and plop that baby down on your boss’ desk while he or she is out of the room. Make sure to leave a note saying the gift is from you.
2) Buy a gun.
OK, so the world may be heading to Hell in one of those baskets you carry by hand, but you do not have to be part of the hysteria. After all, you were one of the people who had the foresight to build a Y2K bunker and look how useful it was!
Hopefully by now you have come out of the bunker now that the eight-year chaos is over. Now it is time to provide for the common defense, meaning YOUR defense. Buy a gun, a big gun, and make sure to get plenty of ammo. When the mobs hit the streets, you can sit back in your rocking chair, firearm pointed at the door, cursing and rambling at all of the godless Communists outside.
3) Gamble.
You are lucky, you know it. You are about to have a hot streak. That means it is time to take out your life savings and head to Las Vegas/Atlantic City/Nearest Native American reservation or charter boat and make some money the fun way. Do not bet it all at once. That is a common mistake. Sure, it means you will win faster, but think about it, wouldn’t you rather win chunk by chunk? Have the bet it all for the very last play on your winning streak. Then go home to your mansion and mistress.
4) Bargain hunt.
You, like roughly two-thirds of Americans, need clothes. The price on clothes could go up, just like energy, because like energy, clothes wells are drying up. We have nearly used up all of the Earth’s natural clothes resources. So while you can, take advantage of insanely cheap SG apparel. It’s built to last.
Plus, do you have any idea how rare this stuff is? Virtually no one out there has any kind of SG merchandise, but they will sure wish they had some when they see you, won’t they? You could even sell some of it to them for an increased price. That, friend, is what we call a wise investment.