How To: Survive rising gas prices

Unless you have been living under a rather large stone as of late (if you have, how are you reading this, much less keeping the stone’s crushing weight off of you?) you know all too well the toll filling up your gas tank can have on your wallet. While following our advice on how to manage your money is undoubtedly saving you thousands per year, it still hurts to gas up. That’s why The Guys are here to tell you how to survive rising gas prices.

Tools:

• Hatred for employment
• Age of at least 21 (or a fake ID)
• Big thumb
• Silver tongue
• Brick

1) Quit your job.
The simplest way to save cash at the pump is to eliminate the main reason you drive in the first place: work. Think about it. When is your car the most fuel inefficient? Stuck in traffic going to work. Where do you drive to and from at least five days a week? Work. Out of all the trips you make during the week (groceries, picking up the kids, going to the bar, etc.) which is the one you dislike doing most? You see where this is going.

By eliminating that unnecessary trip to and from the office five times a week, you’ll be using a whole lot less gas. That’s not just good for your wallet, that’s good for the environment and the economy!

2) Give your car a nip.
Did you know that alcohol is not just for killing germs, killing brain cells or making work go by faster? It’s true! Alcohol can also be used as fuel. Example: ethanol is basically moonshine made from corn. Why not feed your car something you are likely buying anyway? Head to the store, buy some cheap, high octane booze, and put it in your tank. Now if a police officer says he smells alcohol in your car, you have a great excuse.

3) Hitchhike.
Once considered “dangerous” or “passé,” hitchhiking is the latest rage on the road (aside from road rage). It is how earlier generations got around when they were too broke to own a solid gold car car to go to the free money parades in the 1920s, when they were too broke to buy a car to go to the breadlines in the 1930s, or when they were too broke to buy a car to go to the commune in the 1960s. And if it was good enough for them, then by the power of grayskull, it is good enough for you!

4) Take someone else’s car.
You know you have thought about it. The world is littered with cars filled with gas you did not pay for, some people have multiple cars. This means they may not miss them.

One method is to mooch off of a friend. This is easiest because you know the owner and you can get the key directly from them. However, it means you are indebted to your friend and you run the risk of them asking you to refill whatever you take out of the tank. Also, it can be tough coming up with a good reason why you cannot take your own motor vehicle.

The other approach is to steal a car. This can be tricky, not because cars have alarm systems–no one pays attention to those things–no, it is tricky to steal a car because more often than not they are locked. You can try picking the lock, but we suggest using the original car door opener: a brick.