We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.
We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy.
Tools:
- Watchful eye
- Inquisitiveness
- Cajones (2), preferably made of brass
- Famous friends
1) Watch closely.
Remember the first rule of counter-intelligence: surveillance is the key to detection. This means, watch everyone with an eagle eye and wait for the spy to slip up. He or she will, because no one is perfect. Here in the U.S., we do a pretty good job of keeping track of our celebrities, thanks to the paparazzi. But they can’t be there all the time, which is why some stories like “Brad Pitt puts on day-old pair of socks” get missed.
Take for example Derek Jeter. He’s a famous baseball player, father and soon to be divorcee. Recently, when his latest child was being born, Jeter was nowhere to be found. The Yankees couldn’t find him, Madonna couldn’t find him. He was gone for a couple days, then resurfaced, briefly and ran off again. This is highly irregular. Flag Jeter.
2) Investigate.
Now that you have a lead, let’s dig a little deeper. The tabloids say Jeter has been hooking up with a lot of women while his wife has been pregnant, but we know that that is just a cover. Who would possibly suspect Jeter of being a spy? Admittedly, it would be tough for him to pull it off. There are a lot of games to show up for in the Major League Baseball.
Perhaps Kiefer Sutherland. One minute he’s everywhere on television, he’s even coming out with minor parts in new movies, the next minute, he’s vanished for long stretches at a time. Is Sutherland a spy? The best way to investigate is to interview. Pump Sutherland’s friends for information. This means interviewing Charlie Sheen, Chris O’Donnell and Oliver Platt. Who would know Sutherland better than his co-stars from The Three Musketeers? During the interview, ask a bunch of normal questions, then slip in something seemingly innocent like, “Is Keifer Sutherland a spy?”
3) Profile.
Remember, the best candidate for the CIA to recruit is one that doesn’t require much training. Actors who have experience in handling guns and tactical training are good things to have on a resumé. In this respect, Sutherland would be perfect. He has been training for the past several years as Jack Bauer on 24. He’s also an actor, so he is used to playing the role of someone other than himself.
Bassists in bands are also prime candidates. They know how to fade into the background. You can look at the stage for an entire 45-minute set and never know they are there.
4) Look out for questions.
If you read this blog, odds are you know a lot of famous people. Do any of them every pump you for information? You know, when you see your celebrity friends, do they always ask you things like “What’s new?” and “Have you heard anything about Iran developing nuclear weapons?” They even might be so bold as to ask about your non-celebrity friends who work in the government or serve as foreign heads of state. While these kinds of questions may seem innocuous, be careful! You could be giving up information to a spy, and there is no telling which side that spy is on.