How To: Throw a par-tay

We all want to be popular, and the quickest way to popularity is to throw a party. Correction: not just a party, but the most righteous shindig the world/your town has ever seen! Some people would say you need to walk before you run, but when did walking ever get your face on a Wheaties box? That is why The Guys are here to teach you how to throw a par-tay.

Tools:

  • Someone else’s property
  • A theme
  • Illegal MP3-downloading software
  • Drinking games

1) Location, location, location.
And by location, we mean nowhere you have to clean up before or afterwards. So your home is out.

If you’re the enterprising sort, you could arrange a party at your local bar, but that means convincing the ownership that this will make them money/not ruin their standing in the neighborhood. The perk, of course, is that they’re used to cleaning up beer spills and cigarette butts every night. The negative is that anyone will be able to come.

Now, we figure that if you’re reading this blog, then you’re probably the freewheeling type. Your options are public property (i.e., a field, the beach, or park) or somebody else’s home. We recommend using somebody else’s home because then you can tell everyone you live there and seem more generous for holding this prelude to an orgy.

2) Pick a theme, any theme.
A theme is critical to any party; without one, everyone’s just drinking and watching movies. Your parents have those: they’re called dinner parties.

When thinking of a great party theme, there are certain qualities you should consider. Your party should encourage:

  • Pretending to be a better drunk than normal.
  • Opportunities for, as the kids say, “hooking up.”
  • Loud activities that don’t include conversation.

The easiest example to think of is Halloween. Everybody wears costumes, which usually represent that darker side they repress to hold down jobs (drinking, sexing). There’s also a soundtrack, which includes “Thriller,” “Monster Mash” and heavy metal (loudness). Put that all together and you have the theme for the perfect party. It’s no coincidence that many people plan costume ideas months in advance-they need parties like this.

Other successful themes: 80s Night (God knows why), Pimps and Hos, Toga, Mardis Gras, Pirates and New Week’s (instead of New Year’s).

3) Get a lot of music.
No matter what your theme is, play plenty of music. Some parties try to show movies instead: big mistake. Wherever a movie is playing, there is always someone telling everyone to shut up so they can hear the dialogue.

Going back to step two, pick music that fits your party’s theme.

If you go with 80s Night (once again, why?), then your music is pretty easy to figure out. You can basically play any crap that features a synthesizer and everyone will shout, “Oh my God! I remember that!” (For fun, include a few synthesizer tracks from the 1970s, 1990s and this decade and see how everyone still claims to remember when MTV first played it. “Remember old school MTV?!”)

If you go with a more musically-challenging theme, you’ll need some illegal MP3-sharing software. You’re on your own for that one since SeriouslyGuys doesn’t have lawyers. (We really recommend going with a porn theme and downloading a crapload of cheesy acid jazz.)

4) Prearrange for drinking games.
We mean real drinking games, not “let’s drink every time somebody misses a Trivial Pursuit question.” Board games are not for parties: you’re there to get drunk, and that means a rapidly diminishing attention span. Plus, as with movies, there will always be one person actually into the game trying to shut everyone up so they can hear the question again.

Video games are also out. Ever noticed how parties get real lame when two guys are playing Mario party and everyone else is just sitting around and watching? If you haven’t noticed, then put the control down, Poindexter.

Drinking games are games that improve as you get drunker, either from the mistaken belief that your hand-eye coordination “gets better when you’re drunk” or because everyone’s laughing when your fly is down while saying that. However, if you don’t have a beer pong table or ice luge already, then some assembly will be required.

If you’re not the DIY-type, then you can’t fail with cards. Cards have been the mainstay of drunken revelry since the beginning of time. They’re intentionally vague, so you can assign whatever meaning you want to a series of numbers and pictures of royalty.

Whatever you choose, just make sure it’s set up before you start drinking-that’s where bad ideas like toilet pong come from.