How To: Tune out the election

In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.

If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)

Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election.

Tools:

• That cable package above “basic”
• Beer
• Fond and/or traumatic high school memories
• Clean fingers
• Passport

1) Watch international news.

Get this: in other countries, they only devote about five minutes to our election. The best part is that they actually get the day’s updates done in those five minutes, unlike Fox’s 24 hour guessfest.

Here’s a typical BBC evening news report on the U.S. presidential election:

Nobody won yet.

Senator [insert name here] gave a speech about the economy being bad. Senator [the other guy] countered, saying it was [first senator]’s fault.

2) Become a sports fan.

Did you know that the NFL now has some Tuesday and Thursday night games? That’s almost a whole week of football now.

If you’re really desperate, there are televised baseball games at almost all hours of the day. Just switch your sleeping schedule to the late night hours, and you’re set.

3) Adopt a mocking tone.

Remember that killjoy from your youth that always warned you that you were about to do something stupid, like go down the slide pantsless? It’s not that you didn’t know it was stupid; the danger was the selling point, actually.

That asthmatic allergy kid is everyone lecturing you about the election. So what if you don’t know that Joe Biden eats a fetus for breakfast anymore? You cast your vote, you takes your chances! We don’t need any more info than that.

So when the media or DiCapprio won’t shut up about candidate A or B, repeat everything they say, only in a whiny, nasally shallow voice.

Nerd: Did you know that John McCain wants to get rid of school lunch?! He thinks they make kids weak!

You: Did you know that John McCain wants to do your mom? Beat it, Olbermann.

If you were that playground buzzkill, then you know exactly what that should sound like.

4) Plug your ears with your fingers, close your eyes and say, “LA LA LA LA LA!”

What? You expected an explanation?

…

Oh, don’t do this while driving.

You: Don’t do this while driving your mom.

5) Mail in your vote early and leave the country.

Look, we all know you can’t stop turning on the TV or looking at the Internet. You’re going to go back for more and talk about this crap to anyone who will listen. Some people get addicted to trolling message boards, the rest of us can’t shut up about health care.

You already know who you’re voting for, so just grab an absentee ballot and mail it in tomorrow.

Then, skip the country. Go to the Caribbean or Sumatra or Antarctica–anywhere that isn’t holding an important election this fall.

You’ll feel better … until that tan turns into skin cancer.

You: You’ll feel better until that tan turns into doing your mom cancer.