So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.
Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.
You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (“Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)
With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom.
Tools:
- Condom(s)
- A locked room
1) Identify a condom.
Alright, conservateens, let’s get down to the basics. You keep hearing about “condoms” and that you wear them when having sinful (read: fantastic) sex. But do you even know what a condom looks like?
This is what it looks like in stores:
This is what it looks like in your mom’s nightstand next to the “massaging vibrator”:
This is what it looks like when unwrapped:
And this is what it looks like if you black out before flying back to the U.S.:
Moving on …
2) Obtain a condom.
Now that you know what they look like, you know where to buy them. It’s not your fault you thought they were balloons. Thanks to Alabama state law, pornographic magazines must be sold in specially licensed stores. So, since you can’t find skin mags behind the counter in Alabama gas stations, then you don’t have a contextual visual aid for the condoms.
However, did you know you can get them for free? You can find them in bowls on any college campus. Just wander around all the offices. Be careful: sometimes those bowls have candy in them! (But that’s pretty rare.)
If the opportunity presents itself, be sure to grab more than one, because it’s time to …
3) Unwrap the condom.
This is the tricky part. If this is your first time or you’re habitually nervous, then you’ll be glad you obtained more than one condom. If you didn’t, then pay extra close attention, because you’ll only get one shot at this.
Look for a side of the package that is precut for tearing. There’s two of them, so you have a 50% chance at success here. These sides will look like the top and bottom of a Slim Jim package, but will actually work as advertized.
If the package does not tear properly the first, try the other side. Also, try tearing further along the wrapper. Do not use any of the following on the wrapper:
- Teeth
- Scissors
- Bowie Knife
- Acetylene Torch
- Cherry Bomb
- Your Dad
If you still cannot open the wrapper, move on to the next condom or please forgo having sex as you will likely create a stupid child.
4) Unroll the condom onto your, um, schwanstuker.
Look, you don’t put your socks on by trying to shove your foot through the whole thing, right?
OK, so maybe you do.
Anyway, think of the condom as a sock or ski mask, only for your penis. Position the sperm reservoir, or funny little freshness button so that it juts out away from you. Roll the rest of the condom down.
You may want to stop before you reach your testicles, but that’s your decision.
5) Remove the condom.
Once you’re done, take it off carefully. Don’t just yank it off as the condom can quickly turn into a splatapult.
You may either throw it away or take it to a trophy shop to have it bronzed.