In Soviet Russia, dolphins kill you

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.

The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.

And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.