Keith Richards will never die

A new year, a new threat, America. It seems the British are going to live longer than we thought, and that leaves us open to attack.

The British government said that it will have more than half a million citizens living to be over 100 years old. That means there will be more of them around to invade our land and impose taxes on tea. While some un-American types would have you believe that the Brits are our allies, let us remember that we have been at war with the English since 1775.

Here in America, not only do we believe in freedom from tyrannical figurehead monarchs, but we also choose to die earlier than the limeys through cheeseburger-related means–and we’re damn proud of it.