Animal warriors, the situation in the Berlin Zoo has become worse than we imagined.
According to Markus Roebke, one of Knut’s handlers, the orphaned polar bear has turned from the priviledged-by-birth toast-of-the-town to “publicity-addicted psycho.” The bear now becomes distressed when not receiving attention, whining and howling when it knows an audience is near. Knut will now do anything, just to stay in the public eye.
Roebke’s analysis has been confirmed by an unnamed “prominent animal conservationist,” who declared Knut “an animal psychopath.”
Finally, this PR nightmare has come to an end. It’s only a matter of time before Knut releases a pop album, flashes his Knuts during a wardrobe malfunction and, at the very end, “leaks” a grainy sex tape to the Internet. Perhaps he’ll attempt one last performance on an awards show, but fail to live up to his younger, cuter days. The rest of his days will be spent on one doomed, shallow marriage after another, generating more paternity tests than an episode of Maury.
Speaking of which: is it just us, or has Knut really packed on the pounds? To think that we all wanted to have sex with him back in 2006.