Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.
The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.
The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).
The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.
Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.