MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

Annnnnnd we’re back.

See, we gave you a special edition of MasterChugs Theater last week in order help celebrate the birthday of SeriouslyGuys. But now, it’s back to the grind. Quality movies like you wouldn’t believe, and with the recent Oscar season having ended so soon, that shouldn’t be too hard at all. I mean, look at the sheer number of quality movies that came out in the past year. In fact, while some of them may not have been top level movie of the year films, the large amount of movies for the expanded Best Picture of the Year category should at least be noteworthy.

Oh, wait, what’s that? You tell me that it’s March? Hmm. Well, time to scrap those above plans, as we all know what that means.

March Movie Morts.

Let’s celebrate this year’s edition with the greatest American action movie star of the 80’s: Michael Dudikoff. In doing so, we can only kick start a celebration of The Dudikoff (He complies) properly by examining the great film in his filmography: American Ninja.

Allow me to sum up the film: US soldier Joe Armstrong is stationed at an army base in the Philippines. Joe and his fellow GI’s are ambushed by ninjas while trucking arms through the jungle. Joe himself just happens to be a master of ninjitsu and uses his skills to save the Colonel’s daughter. The ambush was orchestrated by wealthy arms dealer, Ortega, and his henchman, the Black Star Ninja. Now the hunt is on for Joe, an American Ninja, who, along with his buddy Jackson, has to go up against Ortega and the Black Star Ninja.

In a fight to the death. Mainly because there couldn’t be any other way to do so.

Now I’ll admit, the plot to American Ninja sucks eggs. But despite a complete lack of creativity, Sam Firstenberg has ingeniously crafted a masterpiece: improbable action; bad dialogue; gratuitous explosions; grown men putting water buckets over their heads for no apparent reason. American Ninja has it all.

Have you ever rented a ninja film only to be disappointed by a distinct lack of ninja goodness? Trust me, my friends, we are in the same boat. There have been several instances where I rented a movie based solely on the fact that the word “ninja” was displayed prominently in the title. I take the movie home, pop it in, and get ten minutes of ninja mayhem. Tops.

This film is watchable, but make no mistake; it is horrible. I could write about 100,000 words documenting the crappiness of this film. No one in this film, other than the Black Star Ninja, appears to have any martial arts training at all, which is bad because at least half the characters are supposed to be ninjas and ninjas are supposed to be good at martial arts. Oddly, the one guy who has strong kung fu, Black Star Ninja, doesn’t even need the training because he can just shoot bullets out of his hands. And flames. And lasers. Maybe it’s a Picasso thing, like you have to master the fundamentals before you can go off the map. I’m sure that’s exactly what the filmmakers were thinking.

Still, the Black Star Nina doesn’t even know how to use these weapons properly. When Dudikoff is climbing up a rope, Black Star uses the flames to burn the rope rather than just burning Dudikoff himself. Anyway, my favorite instance of un-ninja-like behavior by a ninja is at a ninja training camp.

YES, A NINJA TRAINING CAMP.

There’s a shot of a ninja walking across the top of some monkey bars. The deadly ninja is looking down at his feet, his arms held out for balance, taking one slow step every few seconds. Another (relatively speaking) great moment, along the same lines as the tire iron, is the Simpsonesque death of a treacherous Sergeant. His car is run off the road, at perhaps 20 miles per an hour. He rolls for a few seconds, then holds his arms in front of his face and shouts “Nooooooooo!” Then a few seconds later his car, now traveling at perhaps 10 miles an hour (max), hits a tree and explodes on contact.

And during those rare circumstances when there isn’t a ninja present, Michael Dudikoff is doing cool stuff like jumping his motorcycle over the base fence. And did I mention he puts a bucket on his head? How cool is that?!

So, again, allow me to reiterate that American Ninja is as dumb as a box of rocks. Seriously. Check your brain at the door. But what this films lacks in brains it more than makes up for in fun. American Ninja should be a staple in every self-respecting ninja connoisseur’s library.