I just got the bad news. Blood pressure’s up. Stress is on its way to end it all. Granted, it’s genetic and runs in the family, but still–why now? Is there anything that can be done to help the situation?
Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. What am I to do?
Well, the doctor recommends a form of catharsis. Think of it as therapy, he says. Maybe you should excise some of that gratuitous stress that’s all built up within, is his advice.
OK. Sure, that can be done.
Dear Brett Ratner,
Just who do you think you are?
Oh Brett. So young, yet so old. Yes, your first attempt at stardom was a minor short film, but let’s be honest–your first true movies were music videos. Unfortunately, Hype Williams you ain’t. Whoever decided that you needed to direct Money Talks is goofy. Sadly, it didn’t stop there. You then gave the world the wonderful gift that is Rush Hour.
A typical scene in Rush Hour:
Jackie Chan: I em froom China. China is diff-for-rent then America.
Chris Tucker: BuddydontyouknowImblack?! Italkrealfast!
Jackie Chan: I like Beach Boys.
Chris Tucker: WHAAAAAAAAAH?!
It’s so great that you can multiply that by at least 7 times. Yeah.
And then, you had a stroke of brilliance. The Family Man. Financially, not successful. Critically, successful, and for good reason. It’s a rehashed mish-mash of holiday movies that actually works. There was real heart, feeling, zest, all the things that need to be in a movie to truly make it work. You believe Cage’s story. You really do see him coming into his own as this “new” person. You really do find humor in many of his new-found responsibilities, from which much of this film’s humor is derived. But the movie also works as a romance, a drama about relationships.
And then you made Rush Hour 2. Oh, Brett. Ohhhhh, Brett. Because, clearly, the world did not have enough of the above scene.
Sadly, the agony did not stop there.
You continued on to make Red Dragon, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand. These movies all have one thing in common-dear lord in heaven, are they bad. I mean, real stinkers. One would think that you would learn from these mistakes, right? Oh no. Not you, Brett. No, you then went on to give us your Arc de Triomphe.
You gave us Rush Hour 3. Because this planet’s appetite for a Chris Tucker/Jackie Chan buddy cop vehicle has clearly not been sated.
Remember people, it’s not funny unless Chris Tucker sounds as if he’s consumed two tanks of helium. Which, unfortunately, is all the time.
And now, the pain continues. There are rumors that you’re connected to a Guitar Hero movie and the movie adaptation of one of my games of all time, God of War. If only I had the lightning bolts of Zeus. If only I had the strength of Atlas. If only I had the Blades of Chaos wrapped around my wrists. Oh, I certainly know what I’d do with those powers.
When will it stop, Brett? When will you end the pain? Stop hurting America–no, not just America. Stop hurting the world. Make it end.
Sincerely,
Chugs
Hmmm. That felt pretty good. I could enjoy doing this.
Oh, and the deal about having high blood pressure? That belongs to one of coworkers. Mine’s actually near perfect. Hey, it happens.
haha! i knew i liked you for a reason.