I’ve spent most of this past weekend watching movies. Lots of movies. Special movies. Grainy movies.
Neeeeenja movies. Hey, I was bored and low on money-it happens. Sometimes the movies were terrible, so bad in fact that you had to laugh. But sometimes that was what made them so good. The crazier the ninja stunts were, the more you wanted to see what else the ninja could do. For example, Ninja III – The Domination has the ninja at the beginning take hundreds of bullets and still live long enough to pass on his ninja soul. Unfortunately, the majority of the movies were just bad. Not the entire former category, but just bad.
It’s not that easy to create a ninja movie. The Ninja Labor Unions are not easy to work with. There are certain rules for film and ninjas. Those that don’t follow them are subject to seppuku.
–Most ninja movies rarely ever actually ninjas in them. The best ninja movies are filled with plenty of ninjas. Gratuitous amounts of ninjas, nearly a surplus of ninjas. A near largess, one might say. Unfortunately, more often than not, if you’re watching a ninja movie, you probably won’t see more than one or two. What sense does that make?
–If a ninja is wearing a ninja outfit with camouflage coloring, he is now a redneck ninja. Ninjas are always inherently hunting all the time. There’s no need to wear an outfit that is ultimately redundant. Or what is a fashion faux pas. Break out the Budweisers, Sho.
–In ninja movies, explosions beat ninjas. Coincidentally enough, Mel Gibson beats explosions, which means that ninjas beat Mel Gibson. Don’t argue. It’s science, and you can’t argue with that.
–Ninjas have the coolest weapons. All ninjas have a transformable pole weapon. It can turn into a steel pole, a grappling hook, a spear, dual escrima sticks and a makeshift blow gun. Remember kids, if you’re a ninja and facing an economic recession, then you have a large amount of job choices available to you.
–Ninjas also have the lamest weapons around. For examples, see the ceramic plates of death and the machine gun parasol (not umbrella-these are shinier) in Ninja Kids Phantom Force. I don’t care how pointy or deadly your implement of death is-I’m not scared at all by a parasol that’s so shiny it could be sold in Tiffany’s.
–By law, Caucasian ninjas are required to wear white ninja outfits. The sole exception to this rule is the aforementioned camouflage ninja outfit. Of course, if you’re not Caucasian, then you have a rainbow of ninja outfits to wear: green, red, ninja, royal blue, sky blue, purple, gold and the traditional black. ROY G. BIV was totally a ninja. And not a white dude.
–Vanilla Ice will provide the best song to represent your species/genre. This is regrettable and unavoidable. Sorry kids. If you want to change this, then get to work, Beethoven.
–Ninjas and technology don’t mix. See Cyber Ninja as a prime example. There’s a reason why all of the best ninja movies take place prior to or in the 1989: nothing else works. Lasers and shinobi-katana, when thrown together, don’t create a good equation. It’s one thing when you’re throwing ninja stars; it’s another thing to throw lightning bolts from your robot eyes and then have the lightning bolts turn into ninja stars.
–Don’t become romantically involved with a woman. She WILL be captured and you WILL have to rescue her. This can lead to three situations:
- After rescuing the woman, she wants to thank you-biblical fashion.
- After rescuing the woman, she wants to thank you-like Princess Toadstool does for Mario. Not at all.
- She dies. Hey, it happens.