Dear Scarlett Johansson,
Hey there kiddo. How’s it going? Long time no talk since we last gabbed. Maybe we should change that, you think?
I know it’s been a long week and a half for you, right? Some evil nerd out there decided to show the world what dreams are made of some secret pictures taken by yourself for eyes that only you felt should be privy to, and even worse, there were some people that actually felt it might be your fault (until they were convinced otherwise by their supporting cast, live on radio). Talk about stress!
Well guess what? I’m still here for you. This act most certainly does not sully your image in my eyes. On the contrary, I’m quite impressed by it. After all, we knew that you were gorgeous, but it’s always good to see that you’re the type of person to keep working out. Not only that, but you’re obviously flexible, as the infamous mirror image that’s now led to an internet meme suggests. Flexibility is a good sign of someone that stretches, and stretching is a good way to cut back on stress. You might want to do some more stretching. And obviously you’re skilled with a camera. That’s not exactly an easy skill-set to pick up out of nowhere.
You can take as many secret picture shots as you want and I’ll never let your secret pictures be made public. They can stay with me. Lock and key, I’ll keep them under. No one will be able to see a single pixel besides you and I unless you give me the approval.
In fact, why are we stopping there? Allow me to officially declare my intention of courtship to you. I find you ravishing, witty and rather intelligent. I saw Home Alone 3 in the theater and The Perfect Score before you became a household name. I even legitimately enjoy Lost in Translation! Just think about it: me, a short guy in his late 20’s that works for a large corporate entity. You, an actress that’s not much younger than I that has become a world-known celebrity. It’s a thrilling idea, there’s no two ways about it.
We’d set the industry ablaze with our fiery passion.
- You’d be the Charles S. Dutton to my Dog Alien
- The distressed reaction to my Greg Pitts
- The Elsa Bloodstone to my The Captain
- The woman to my Deacon Jones explanation on how to get a sack
- The Roy to my Maurice
Brangelina? Tomkat? Ashmi? They’ll have nothing on the new Hollywood power couple: Chrislett.
With love and regards,
Chris