MasterChugs Theater: My Movie Peeves

I love movies.

Really. I truly do.

But I don’t love everything about movies. I mean, I can take a lot of crap in films, but some things tend to grate on me much more than others do. Get ready to hear me Andy Rooney them.

  1. Padding. Oh padding. I don’t care for you at all. Some people might say that you’re needed in order to establish the shot, but between you and me, let’s be honest: we’re more than aware of what’s going on. You don’t give us enough credit. Whether it’s padding of the movie’s time (George Lucas, Assault Girls and stupid student films, I’m talking directly to you) or padding of the script (you don’t need to have one character say to another that they’re siblings of so many years-I’ll have already figured out that they’re related because they’re both in the family picture), I just don’t need it. Oh, and here’s my really controversial comment: I think the vast majority of songs in Disney 2D animated movies are nothing but padding.
  2. Reverse of padding. When I see critical bits of the plot removed, just willy-nilly, my eyes narrow and I growl. All movies from The Asylum and UFO Productions (coincidentally enough, the key companies for the SyFy Saturday night movies) are pathologically consistent at doing this. I’m not necessarily saying that movies need to be 3 hour epics (as my above peeve should explain), but when I see the run time of a film is less than 90 minutes, I cringe. When I hear that film was made – shot and edited – in a week or less, my heart weeps. Too many critical points, more often than not, are being taken out at that point.
  3. Bad ADR. ADR, or automated dialogue replacement, can make or break a movie. Whenever you watch a movie or tv show and an actor is talking while not facing the camera, dollars to donuts says that ADR was used, though it’s not limited to just dialogue. Rick wrote about the Wilhelm Scream earlier this year (I swear to you, his column wasn’t a direct inspiration for this one). While the Wilhelm Scream is terrible, I submit to you something even worse: the Wilhelm Truck Horn. While a 2 minute Google and YouTube search can’t actually find a sample of it, I can guarantee that you’ve heard it before. Allow me to recreate it with you: stop whatever you’re doing and pinch your nose. Now, at the top of your lungs, scream out “HONK-HONK, HONK-HONNNNNNNNNNNNK.” It’s trite, it’s overdone, and worst of all, it’s not real. When was the last time you heard a big rig make a sound like that when screaming down the highway?
  4. Reliance on slow motion. Despite the horrible second movie, I will proudly say that I love and cherish the Transformers movies. That said, Michael Bay needs to leave the goddamn slow motion alone. Slow motion looks great the first time it’s used or seen. After the ninth time in a series or even a movie, I’m tired of it. FACT: I don’t need to see the hyper-detailed designs of an object on screen. If I want that to happen, I’ll take a look at the film’s art of book. Also of note: Zack Snyder films (I can’t begin to tell you how stupid I find the Das Sandal scene from 300, but if you give me enough drinks, I’ll do so) and sports movies. You’re both on watch. Slow motion is a crutch. Don’t be hampered by it.