Dear Pinocchio’s Revenge: I would like to take my revenge on you.
Everyone knows the story about Pinocchio, right? A wooden puppet that was carved in a small Italian village by a man named Geppetto, and Pinocchio would dream about someday becoming a real boy. The version that I believe everyone is familiar with is the Disney cartoon created in the 40s’. Imagine my surprise when I’m browsing through Netflix late at night and I come across this movie, one I’ve not heard of since I was 13 and listening (but not watching) the scrambled channel that was the PPV The Action Channel (home to other greats like Return to Savage Beach, Luke’s Peep Show and the later Puppetmaster movies).
Ugh. I never even saw it then and I thought it was bad. Hoo-boy.
Five years ago, a valiant and completely honest cop interrupts some creepy guy making a few additions to his mass grave. The scene is chock-full of pseudo-scary moments: Officer Do Right suddenly comes up on … A PARKED CAR!! And there’s a sign reading … ROAD CLOSED!! Officer Do Right stands some 20 yards away from the creepy guy, gun unholstered, shouting “Drop the shovel!,” as know what kind of damage a shovel can do from 20 yards away. You’ll never guess what the cops find in that mass grave the next morn– Oh, okay, you did guess right. Perhaps being buried with a bunch of dead bodies is one of the things Pinocchio will be seeking revenge for.
In the present day, we meet a single female public defender lawyer and watch her lose the case for creepy guy. We also meet single female public defender lawyer’s young daughter, Zoey, and all of the robotic acting and cliché schoolyard drama she brings with her. The story progresses with a puppet that is found amidst this trial, and it is introduced to single female public defender lawyer’s home, where a little girl becomes quick friends with it.
There is a full hour or so where the puppet starts to kill people off, however, the camera and the director do not show you the puppets motions at all, making you think that it is just a scapegoat in another identity crisis movie. Don’t worry. It is one of those type of movies.
There is not a whole lot of gore in this film, although there are a few “accidents” that never really kill anyone as much as they hurt them. This is terribly done and it’s just a stupid way of prolonging the story. There is a sex scene, but it’s the most tame, piece of junk sex scene in the world. With lots of slow motion and little to no nudity, it’s just a time piece filler to exploit the scenario of single parent and neglect of a child, as the child hears her mom moaning … so weird.
The third act has Pinocchio, for lack of a better name, doing a lot of talking, with no movements of his mouth. The final act though, we get a full live action puppet going around trying to kill people. This is the worst animation and/or robotics ever made. This is a terrible scenario of film making and truly makes me hate the film that much more.
The film explodes into the terrible zone with a scapegoat ending, making sure that you never see the puppet in the end, and all you see is the mother and daughter! ZOMGUGAIZ!!!!1 I don’t really need to ask if it was scary, because it’s not. It’s a made for television movie, though with a smaller budget and even more toned down naughtiness. For much of the movie, we’re never entirely sure if it’s Pinocchio killing people off Chucky-style or if single female public defender lawyer’s little brat has gone mental. Rest assured, it’s all handled in the least satisfying way possible, as only a movie like this can do. This is a terribly incoherent mess of a movie.
Would someone tell me when the drinking starts so that I can join in?