MasterChugs Theater: ‘Piranha 3D’

It’s not as scary as it needs to be or as clever as it thinks it is, but Piranha 3D (or just Piranha, though not to be too confused with the Joe Dante movie of the same name) is at least as gimmicky as those fabled 3D films of yore. With all the pointless 3D cartoons and joyless 3D Clash of the Titans conversions, at last here’s a picture that tosses its cookies, its coffee cups and its D-cups right in your lap.

And that’s okay.

The beginning is just the tip of the tongue and cheek sandwich. Richard Dreyfuss has re-donned his Matt Hooper rumpled scientist togs from Jaws down to the glasses, and goes about re-creating the classic moment—in a boat, all alone, on a vast body of water, singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home.”

A seismic rumble cracks open an underground cavern—”You mean a lake under the lake?” asks Sheriff Julie Forester. Why, yes, —one that is filled with prehistoric piranhas. If I get my science correct, that means that basically these bad boys are the scary dino-version of our modern-day nibblers, which essentially means they are even uglier and angrier and and bigger and remarkably precise. They can, for instance, remove a bikini top without drawing blood, though they do invariably go back for the kill.

If you’re in the market to see a movie like Piranha 3D, you’re probably not expecting Oscar nominations, despite the cast’s pandering to the Academy in the hilarious For Your Consideration video. No, if you’re going to see Piranha 3D, you’re in the market to see Lake Havasu Spring Break get turned into a meat grinder. And you won’t be disappointed. The movie may be the bloodiest movie ever made. No, literally, the production apparently burned through an obscene 7,000 gallons of fake blood, and had tanker trucks on set filled with the crimson liquid. Add that to the masterful work of effects team Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger, whose shredded body parts look so realistic, the film was banned from being shown at the 2010 Comic-Con.

And then there’s the second most important reason to see Alex Aja’s latest gore-fest: nudity. This is definitely a man’s movie. Let me rephrase that, this is every horny teenager’s wet dream. You don’t just get choice boobage from the likes of Kelly Brook and a vast array of other hot college girls, you get to see everything literally pop out at you in 3D!

And last but not least, we get to the cast. Look, churning a lake full of half-naked party chicks into fish bait isn’t nearly as fun when it’s a cast of nobodies. Thankfully, Aja has populated his film with a lot of familiar faces. We get Elisabeth Shue as the headstrong town sheriff, Ving Rhames as her ass-kicking deputy, Jerry O’Connell as a sleazy Joe Francis ripoff that gets all the best lines in the movie, Christopher Lloyd as an aquarium owner who’s nuttier than Doc Brown, and even Eli Roth as a wet t-shirt contest emcee. TV stars Jessica Szohr and Steven R. McQueen get thrown in the mix.

Whether the acting is good or bad is neither here nor there, all you need is for the performances to be believable enough to enjoy the ride. Luckily enough, the cast does one better and adds an extra layer to an otherwise campy horror premise, while Aja’s use of 3D redefines the term “eye-popping”, though not because the stereoscopic conversion is really stellar.

Piranha 3D is quite fun, especially in the thick of it. It’s unfortunate, though, that the third act lacks a sense of urgency. But again, let’s check the list: popcorn, soda, brain on “off”. Okay, it gets a pass … but still, it could have been more exciting.

If you can get past the flaws scattered throughout, it’s a great flick to watch with a bunch of your friends on one of the final weekends of the summer. It’s damn fun, and off the hook bloody. All good, clean R-rated 3D fun. Or an attempt in that direction.